it's somewhat indescribable.

this thing i'm feeling.
it's not supposed to be this way.
my heart is supposed to be broken.

and yet, here i sit, smiling to no end.

something about my Lover has made me
feel more than complete.
more than satisfied - things i've never felt
coming out from the inside of me

making me shine like a star.
He is jealous for me. absolutely
adores the ground i walk on.

and He makes my heart skip beats.
the most complete lover i could ever have.
aughhhh! i'm so in love
even though i supposedly lost it.

and yes, someday, i will find
that love that makes me spin upside down
that i will be with, for better or for worse
and he will adore the very ground i walk on.

until then, i am more than content
to love on the One who will give me this
chance of a lifetime.
i can wait forever, as long as
He is with me.

wow.
my God is so good.
i'm so overwhelmed with love for Him.

He is the most beautiful thing that could ever exist.

i've just gotta get it out of my system.

when there's a million things to say, and yet nobody to speak them to, here i sit. words poised in front of a computer screen, hoping that my sentiments will unleash themselves and even, quite possibly, make sense to some wayward reader who stumbles upon this seemingly pointless thing we call a blog.

but this is my heart and soul i'm pouring out to you. and not for your amusement. this is for me to heal. i know there are a lot of little parts inside of me that are fighting and clawing their way to the surface for the battle of a lifetime. and i know that i'm probably not making sense to even myself, but i know for sure that someone's got a mission out on me.

my emotions have crumbled to the ground and i have found myself trying to mop myself up off of the floor. i'm weaker than i've ever been, and nothing has caused me to be this way. just yesterday, i broke down crying and yelled at a friend for absolutely no reason and probably got him absolutely confused. and i didn't understand why i was so broken. i couldn't figure out why i was so panicked.

until today. there are two reasons: i always feel something changing before it happens. i'll be absolutely depressed for no reason whatsoever and then days later, after i'm completely over it, someone will mention something pertaining to that emotion and i can tell them exactly how they were feeling, because i felt their pain.

i know i was feeling quite a few people's pain yesterday. i didn't realize it at the time, of course, and i tried to diagnose my problem on something else, but there was just no way i could do it. so many things in my life are going awry right now. and my heart and soul are buckled down in Christ, but for some reason, when someone else's life is spiraling out of control, i can't keep my composure.

and also, the enemy has it out for me. i've been getting stronger in my hunger to know God and His word. i've been growing in my ability and even my desire to help others. i'm living a life holy and pleasing unto Him. i've had peace that passed all understanding. i've been trying my best to live a joyful life. i haven't led worship in a month. i've only sang one song in that time frame as a performance. and i'm loving the secret places i find with Christ, those sacred moments that nobody will ever know. chuppah experiences.

and satan doesn't like it one bit. so what is he gonna do? throw the fiery darts at me and try to bring me down. and it almost worked. but i recognize it for what it is and i am going to fight back with every fiber of my being. i will break out of the mold. i will not suffer from depression like the majority of my family. i will not allow myself to fall into the pattern of self-pity and self-preservation. i will be a different kind of woman. i will carry on the legacy that my family has carried through the ages, and yet i will improve it.

*sigh* i feel a lot better now.

i'd venture to guess

it's worse than a slap in the face. to be put on the bottom of the list.

let me explain. at the core of who i am, i am terrified that you'll walk away without saying goodbye and never come back. i'm so afraid that you don't want me and so you're just gonna give up and forget me. yeah, i know, it stems from the fact that my biological father abandoned my momma. i've come to terms with that. and i've really tried to mend it. i squeeze people so tight that they slip right out of my arms. i suffocate them dry. i don't wanna be that person, and so i work so hard at "playing it cool" when i don't get to talk to someone for weeks or when i can't remember the last time i saw them was. i try and rationalize it, but fear is irrational. and this is where i start to panic.

so when i haven't talked to someone that i'm interested in for 5 days, because they're super busy gearing up for the best summer of their life (obviously one i will not be a part of) and they seem to find more solace in the computer and hanging out with other friends than talking to me, i start to worry. i fear that it's over. that it was too good to be true. and it sends my insides into an utter panic. the one person i trusted can't have let me down like all the others.

but that's how i feel. like i've been slapped in the face with a priority list and i'm at the bottom.

i don't like the bottom :(




:::edit:::

...and i bet that's how God feels about me. Oh, Lord, forgive my selfish ambition. i know that you're more important than any of the things i prioritize above you (my talents, my loves, my relationships...) and i'm sure you loathe the bottom as much as i do, if not more. i'm so sorry. i'd make a promise to do better, but i'm so frail and human. i'll give you the best i can give and i hope that's much better than what i've been giving you, which is my scraps. :(

esther [through my eyes]

beauty unmatchable
a force to be reckoned with
yet her humility and her
inner beauty make her

matchless

savior of her people
only a woman can bring
about this kind of outcome
with her outward brokenness,

inner strength.

what a shining example
of what a woman should be
beautiful and broken
longing for a cause

victory

nobody in history
has been honored as she
and yet all she did
was speak the words

inspired by the Almighty.

how beautiful can a woman be?
do we always underestimate her power?
for her words could bring a
grown man to his knees,
her words could bring
salvation to a nation

and we must be as she.

still not feeling well.

i'm all jumbled up
when i'm not feeling well.

t
o
p
s
y

t
u
r
v
y

all sacttrerbiaend (scatterbrained)
but i guess to me
one thing sticks out in the middle
of all this madness.
one point of clarity.

i miss youuuu

and i don't even have a reason to.
i just miss the talks.
the hugs.
the laughs. the crazy memories.
and just to hear your voice
just for one second.
would be great, thank you.

call me shallow.
say i'm obsessive.
get offended by my
tiny little longing
to hear his voice

tell me i've lost my focus.
but you don't know me one bit.

the Lord is still the Keeper
of everything within me.
He is still ruler and pilot
still in control of who i become.

but that doesn't mean
that i'm any less human.

give me a break.
i don't feel well.
i just wanna cuddle up
to someone who thinks that
i'm just more than a pretty face.