i'm still locked in a fanatical daze.
how did all this happen?
and why can't i seem to wake myself up
out of this nightmarish state?
i try to smile and there he is.
i try to laugh and i find myself looking for
who wants to steal my happiness.
not a day goes by where i'm not
haunted by that night, where i don't
think about the pain and the heartache
that has been caused that can never be taken back.
i'm in between a rock and a hard place.
i feel sick to my stomach
just trying to come to terms about it.
i want to cry,
but tears just won't fall anymore.
i've conditioned myself to be tough.
i want people to know that i'm not
some kind of drama queen just
trying to get attention.
if i could stop getting attention
i'd be content, thank you.
i want to hide in a corner most of the time
and just watch my life go by.
it seems easier, you know,
just ignoring your potential at a time like this.
i just can't stop
shaking my head in shame at all this.
why me? what did i do for this to happen?
what's wrong with ME?
it's gotta be something inside of me.
yeah, i know. they keep telling me not to blame myself,
it's not my fault.
but this is so hard for me.
fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.
that's what i think of when they tell me
it's not my fault.
and sure, i know it's the enemy coming against me,
but i just don't know if i can
stand up on my own two feet right now.
this battle is the lord's
because i can't make it on my own.
i'm so broken, so confused, so hurt...
and i'm so sure that i can't do this.
6.30.2008
6.29.2008
abortion: the politicians say "it's all about women's rights"
dear women,
we thought we would write you this letter to inform you of your rights, considering that's what abortion is all about. we find it necessary for you to know that we really are concerned about you, the woman, and not like those "pro life" radicals that only care about the fetus inside of you. so, in this letter, we are going to show you that your rights as a woman are, indeed, the most important thing.
it is YOUR RIGHT to let us use you to boost the economy. with 1.37million abortions a year in the U.S. alone, and with the price of abortions starting at $300 a piece, your abortions are helping us keep the economy alive. forget gas prices, abortions are where the money is at.
it is YOUR RIGHT to be misinformed about the procedure of an abortion. we know that you wouldn't be able to go through with something that horrific if you knew the facts, so we figured it would be best if in your fragile state, we tell you the facts that make it easier to have an abortion, and not the facts that could change your mind.
it is YOUR RIGHT to open up the door to infertility. 25% of women who have abortions remain permanently childless. although it's an inconvenience for us that you have to end up childless and can't give us more business, we understand that we can't get everyone to have a second abortion.
it is YOUR RIGHT to neglect women who can't have children. those women could adopt your baby, but hey, they're not paying for the hospital bills, now are they?
it is YOUR RIGHT to regret the abortion for the rest of your life. even though we don't tell you that will happen when you're in our clinics (you might not go through with it if we tell you then), we guarantee that you won't be able to drive by a billboard about abortion, or hear an ad campaign about an abortion, or see a newborn baby without feeling a twinge of regret in your heart.
it is YOUR RIGHT to have an abortion out of inconvenience. 64% of women that have abortions are unmarried, so we understand that you're just afraid you'll end up on welfare. we know it's hard for you out there, and it's definitely not hard for the women who have toddlers who get left by their husbands. and we know that you'll bring us more business. 47% of you will come back to us again.
it is YOUR RIGHT to take on post abortion syndrome. you haven't heard about that? oh yeah, we couldn't tell you at first cause of your "delicate frame of mind". post abortion syndrome is a stress disorder caused from the shame and regret of having an abortion. women have been known to need medication, sink into deep depression, and even in a few cases, commit suicide.
mostly, though, it's YOUR RIGHT to be uninformed about all this.
thanks, women, for taking the time to read this letter and understand YOUR RIGHTS as a woman. we hope you see that your best interest is at heart. having a baby is so inconveniencing, even though it's supposed to be the biggest gift a woman can recieve. those women that have the gall to have the child anyway, especially the ones that were raped (cause only 1% of women having abortions were raped and became pregnant), are just trying to be heroic. "the womb should be the safest place on earth"...after the first trimester.
sincerely,
the pro choice politicians
-sounds like those politicians sure know what you need.-
we thought we would write you this letter to inform you of your rights, considering that's what abortion is all about. we find it necessary for you to know that we really are concerned about you, the woman, and not like those "pro life" radicals that only care about the fetus inside of you. so, in this letter, we are going to show you that your rights as a woman are, indeed, the most important thing.
it is YOUR RIGHT to let us use you to boost the economy. with 1.37million abortions a year in the U.S. alone, and with the price of abortions starting at $300 a piece, your abortions are helping us keep the economy alive. forget gas prices, abortions are where the money is at.
it is YOUR RIGHT to be misinformed about the procedure of an abortion. we know that you wouldn't be able to go through with something that horrific if you knew the facts, so we figured it would be best if in your fragile state, we tell you the facts that make it easier to have an abortion, and not the facts that could change your mind.
it is YOUR RIGHT to open up the door to infertility. 25% of women who have abortions remain permanently childless. although it's an inconvenience for us that you have to end up childless and can't give us more business, we understand that we can't get everyone to have a second abortion.
it is YOUR RIGHT to neglect women who can't have children. those women could adopt your baby, but hey, they're not paying for the hospital bills, now are they?
it is YOUR RIGHT to regret the abortion for the rest of your life. even though we don't tell you that will happen when you're in our clinics (you might not go through with it if we tell you then), we guarantee that you won't be able to drive by a billboard about abortion, or hear an ad campaign about an abortion, or see a newborn baby without feeling a twinge of regret in your heart.
it is YOUR RIGHT to have an abortion out of inconvenience. 64% of women that have abortions are unmarried, so we understand that you're just afraid you'll end up on welfare. we know it's hard for you out there, and it's definitely not hard for the women who have toddlers who get left by their husbands. and we know that you'll bring us more business. 47% of you will come back to us again.
it is YOUR RIGHT to take on post abortion syndrome. you haven't heard about that? oh yeah, we couldn't tell you at first cause of your "delicate frame of mind". post abortion syndrome is a stress disorder caused from the shame and regret of having an abortion. women have been known to need medication, sink into deep depression, and even in a few cases, commit suicide.
mostly, though, it's YOUR RIGHT to be uninformed about all this.
thanks, women, for taking the time to read this letter and understand YOUR RIGHTS as a woman. we hope you see that your best interest is at heart. having a baby is so inconveniencing, even though it's supposed to be the biggest gift a woman can recieve. those women that have the gall to have the child anyway, especially the ones that were raped (cause only 1% of women having abortions were raped and became pregnant), are just trying to be heroic. "the womb should be the safest place on earth"...after the first trimester.
sincerely,
the pro choice politicians
-sounds like those politicians sure know what you need.-
6.28.2008
don't play around with this stuff.
it's really not as romantic as they
try to make it sound.
i can't understand why anyone would lie
and pretend like they've been down that road.
it's not cute, it's not even sad...
it's sickening.
turns you inside out
makes you feel like you'll never
scrub the guilt off of your terrorized
memory and your vulnerable body
makes you shake at the mere thought
of talking about it.
you don't even cry at all anymore
cause...well you just don't.
it's the real world.
you can't eat, can't sleep
feel condemned by every waking moment
and you blame yourself for all of it.
try to rationalize it all
make it seem like an accident.
and when that doesn't work,
here you are again,
hovering over a toilet bowl
trying to hold yourself together
cause the tears won't fall
but you're falling apart
shaking and you're sick at your stomach
words run together
the floor crashes into the ceiling
your world is spinning
and you just wish you could hide in
a dark corner, hide from it all
but this is your life.
and you have to deal with the facts
that you were destroyed
and that it'll haunt you forever.
does that sound romantic to you?
try to make it sound.
i can't understand why anyone would lie
and pretend like they've been down that road.
it's not cute, it's not even sad...
it's sickening.
turns you inside out
makes you feel like you'll never
scrub the guilt off of your terrorized
memory and your vulnerable body
makes you shake at the mere thought
of talking about it.
you don't even cry at all anymore
cause...well you just don't.
it's the real world.
you can't eat, can't sleep
feel condemned by every waking moment
and you blame yourself for all of it.
try to rationalize it all
make it seem like an accident.
and when that doesn't work,
here you are again,
hovering over a toilet bowl
trying to hold yourself together
cause the tears won't fall
but you're falling apart
shaking and you're sick at your stomach
words run together
the floor crashes into the ceiling
your world is spinning
and you just wish you could hide in
a dark corner, hide from it all
but this is your life.
and you have to deal with the facts
that you were destroyed
and that it'll haunt you forever.
does that sound romantic to you?
give it all you've got.
life was meant to be lived out
not wasted on the couch
time is tick tick ticking away
and all we're doing is
living a lie
trying to die
while forgetting all the reasons why
we believed in ourselves once upon a time
more than just an empty hollow
skin package
we gotta do something that
makes people remember
i'm made for more than this!
i wanna love someone
i wanna be loved
go outside. shake things up.
make things up
break things up.
they say change is inevitable
so make the change
we gotta rearrange
the mundane
to soothe the pain
but it's driving me insane
forget being plain
i was made for more than this
more than an empty soul
more than a broken heart
i'm a thinker, dreamer
fighter, lover
giver, taker
i wanna meet my Maker
....with nothing held back.
not wasted on the couch
time is tick tick ticking away
and all we're doing is
living a lie
trying to die
while forgetting all the reasons why
we believed in ourselves once upon a time
more than just an empty hollow
skin package
we gotta do something that
makes people remember
i'm made for more than this!
i wanna love someone
i wanna be loved
go outside. shake things up.
make things up
break things up.
they say change is inevitable
so make the change
we gotta rearrange
the mundane
to soothe the pain
but it's driving me insane
forget being plain
i was made for more than this
more than an empty soul
more than a broken heart
i'm a thinker, dreamer
fighter, lover
giver, taker
i wanna meet my Maker
....with nothing held back.
6.27.2008
thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts.
things should be flowing out of my mouth right now. i've had so much time to think over the past few days about anything and everything that needs my immediate or not so immediate consideration. but all i can think of is how much i long for intimacy with my Maker once again. it's not like i'm backsliding, i'm in love with Him more than yesterday, but i think the fact of the matter is what i once considered intimacy is now familiar and i want MORE! not because it feels good, but because there is nothing on this earth worth near as much as intimacy with my God. i was reading song of songs last night (i know, again) and i was sitting there just reading how much solomon's beloved knew about him. she knew his characteristics, she knew every detail of his body, she knew the things that probably nobody else notices. and there's this verse, that i'm sitting here contemplating. all you good christians out there know this one "do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." so i'm thinking about that passage. it's mentioned actually 3 times in this book. most people only see it twice, but it's there a third time, right at the end. and i'm wondering, why in the heck would a girl who has the man of her dreams tell us girls not to fall in love until the perfect time? and how will we know when the perfect time, and who the perfect guy, and how ready we are, happens? is this just another form of the proverbs 31 myth? (fyi, guys: if you're looking for the proverbs 31 woman in the totality of what the chapter talks about, you're probably gonna be looking for a long time...on the forever side of things. i mean, geez, why don't we just go looking around for a guy just like jesus and see how you feel. she was a HUMAN woman, she might have even been bathsheba. and some of those qualities were unique to HER, and i just won't have them, no matter how much i want to and try to. anyways, off my soapbox)
so i think the truth kinda hit me like a semi-truck on the interstate. while the verse(s) are definitely talking about relationships with the opposite gender, and guarding your heart like proverbs talks about, i think there's something deeper we can take from this too. like i said, this is a book of the bible about a man and woman in love. but let's not forget, it's also considered the greatest metaphor in the bible of Christ and His bride, the church. i think God is trying to tell us (maybe just me) something. don't try to fall in love if your heart won't follow. don't try falling in love with Me if it's just gonna be a bunch of words and some random songs that you sing when you need something from Me. God is trying to tell us that without desire, we won't truly be loving Him, and He'd rather us just be honest with ourselves and admit that our heart doesn't desire Him just yet than to pretend that we've sure got it together and that we're totally overtaken by Him. it goes back to the verse in matthew that says "whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake will find it." it's gotta be a reckless abandon kind of thing. if i'm not ready to take it to the next level of intimacy, that's okay. but if i am, i have to be ready and willing to give it all away.
of course, i could be wrong, but i firmly believe that God is trying to say something else besides don't fall in love till the time is ripe and you're ready. and i know that my God's heart breaks when people do things halfway. He loves to see those who drown themselves in the things He loves, so i think that's what i'm gonna do. just go a bit deeper in this love i have for something that saved my life.
so i think the truth kinda hit me like a semi-truck on the interstate. while the verse(s) are definitely talking about relationships with the opposite gender, and guarding your heart like proverbs talks about, i think there's something deeper we can take from this too. like i said, this is a book of the bible about a man and woman in love. but let's not forget, it's also considered the greatest metaphor in the bible of Christ and His bride, the church. i think God is trying to tell us (maybe just me) something. don't try to fall in love if your heart won't follow. don't try falling in love with Me if it's just gonna be a bunch of words and some random songs that you sing when you need something from Me. God is trying to tell us that without desire, we won't truly be loving Him, and He'd rather us just be honest with ourselves and admit that our heart doesn't desire Him just yet than to pretend that we've sure got it together and that we're totally overtaken by Him. it goes back to the verse in matthew that says "whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake will find it." it's gotta be a reckless abandon kind of thing. if i'm not ready to take it to the next level of intimacy, that's okay. but if i am, i have to be ready and willing to give it all away.
of course, i could be wrong, but i firmly believe that God is trying to say something else besides don't fall in love till the time is ripe and you're ready. and i know that my God's heart breaks when people do things halfway. He loves to see those who drown themselves in the things He loves, so i think that's what i'm gonna do. just go a bit deeper in this love i have for something that saved my life.
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