growing up is hard to do.

my actions, thoughts, and feelings are resolute. drinking soy hot chocolate, sitting in my living room, realizing that life is so much more than what i've made it out to be. i don't understand why i was never this at peace until it should be missing. it causes one to wonder if they're some kind of alice in wonderland upside down child lost their way. but i know that what i've done is the right thing, no matter how hard or how painful it may be or even become. something brings me to the conclusion that i'm going to be okay.

and this is what brings me this...inner resolve. this silence that moves me to words. my older self has been revived once again in hopes of remembering what secure and alone look like intertwined. my life's ambition is to be known as a woman who knew god and had a strength that could not be shaken.

this does not mean that pain is not involved in the grueling process, oh no. there is pain beyond anything i could have conjured up in this overcreative, daydreaming mind of mine. i miss the days past, the days where the road was starting to make sense. and now the trees are closing in, the branches are like thorns, tearing at my wayward worn clothing. the sky is darkening, the ground is coming to life underneath my feet. so here i stand, wondering if the road ahead, no matter how narrow and rough and winding it may be, is the road i want to take.

and i say yes. to the hardship, to the pain, to the dealing. i'm going to say yes until it hurts, i'm going to say yes because i know that god would have me say yes. and even if i go it absolutely alone, i won't be going it completely alone. :)