everything is going to be alright.

that's what he's whispering in my ear. my love for the applause and the desire of man is slowly fading, and my heart is starting to beat in time with is...for the first time in a long while. i'm feeling this love creeping up and tickling its way up my back, over my head, to the tips of my toes...i'm drenched in his presence, and there's nothing i can do about it...besides glorify him.

i don't know what changed, and i don't know when it changed, and i don't know why it changed...but i just want god. i don't need a husband for the rest of my life if he's going to take away from the intimacy and intensity i have with my heavenly lover. there's this...overwhelming passion for his heartbeat, there's this intensifying desire to know him and be known by him. "a fire shut up in my bones", as some would have it. and this is my driving force: to glorify god and to please him. and i don't sing on that stage to bring glory to myself anymore; i sing on that stage to point to the one who deserves all the glory, honor, and praise. i humble myself in the presence of the almighty king and i realize my place in this earth and in heaven. as he is my king, i follow his decrees and live by his commands and not mankind's, not the standards that a faulty human being has set up for me.

i love my king.

i'm feeling somewhat trapped

between the world i know and love
and
the world that god intended for me to live in.

i'm really unsure about what i'm supposed to be doing in some ways, and i think in other ways, i'm pulling a jonah. just like he said i was. i want to have what god wants for me, but there's this overwhelming desire deep down to run away while i can. i can't be trapped, bogged down with this stuff, when i have an out. and then i remember that the belly of the whale is worse than the will of god. and that running doesn't solve anything, because what happens when i reach the end of the world and have nowhere left to run? i don't wanna know, and i'm not going to. cause i'm going to stay it out.

sitting before a computer screen...

i'm not sure what to say.

there's a million things i could say, there's a thousand things i could try to express...but i can't really match them to the overwhelming sorrow that's in my heart. i'm sad today, just distraught i presume. in the human race, there's sadness...and then there's sorrow. the second of the two is becoming familiar. maybe it's because i want a million things that i know i can't have. i really want to be that person that does all the right things and says all the right things and knows what to say and how to say it, but i stumble over my words like a drunk, and i do all the wrong things at the wrong time. my very existence is inappropriate, if you want to get technical. and so the part of me that wants to be that girl has to be murdered daily. i have to be a serial killer to my flesh.

so here i sit, sorrowful and somewhat in mourning over the self i created and the me i once was. it's hard to let go of the image i worked so hard to build. and i need to let it go, i need to crucify the flesh...

from the inside out.

have you ever jumped off of a divingboard into the deep end of a pool, and tried to touch the bottom? and then once you do, you fight and claw your way to the surface, and then you hit the top, breaking through the water and gasping for air.

that's how i feel right now.

all my issues coming to the surface. god is trying to remold me and reshape me. and it's not fun. it all hits the surface and i come exploding out with tears. i feel like my heart is inside out and i can't do anything to stop it from happening. all these idiosyncracies spilling out from my insides. i really have changed, i have changed so much. i'm growing and stretching and flexing, and i'm crying IT'S PAINFUL! but i'm doing it, aren't i? can't you see that i'm really doing the best i can? it may not show immediately on the outside, but it will someday and you'll start to see the me that you decided to deny. you think i want these things, you think i expect this to happen, when really, all i want is christ and him crucified. you'll see the changes someday (not speaking to anyone in particular, mind you.).

and so this is where i'm at. when i talk to god, he is so gentle with me because i'm more fragile than china right now. but then he sends people into my life that chip away at the ugly and the little flecks of porcelain that don't belong. and here comes a crack or two, but god fixes them right up and it looks better than before. i just have to remember that god is bringing these people into my life for a reason and that he's really looking out for me. he's out for my best. and i'm going to learn to trust him, even if it kills me.

you won't relent until you have it all.

my heart is Yours, God. wow. relentless is exactly the word to describe my God. how amazing and beautiful he is to me. i was talking to a friend tonight, and i finally articulated the things that have been running through my mind and flowing through my veins. my heart beats it now. he's a relentless pursuer of who i am. even when i make a mess of things, when i made a huge mess of my life...he keeps going. he keeps coming after me, and there's nothing i can do to stop it. nothing i say can make him go away, nothing i do can keep him from coming at me.

and the thing about it is, i didn't do anything to deserve it. i didn't live a holy and pleasing life by any stretch of the imagination, i didn't act like the perfect child, i didn't mean that i loved God for 14 years of my life that i said it. i did a lot of things i regret, and things that still sting when they're brought up to the surface in a crowd of people. i cry sometimes just thinking about the mess i've made, like a kid coloring on the wall and not being able to make it go away. and it's funny how people see the mess before you have a chance to cover it up with a bedsheet or something.

but my god doesn't care. he tears the bedsheet off and takes bleach to it, cleans me all up, then takes me out for ice cream. and i did the complete opposite of what i was supposed to do. and i keep asking "what did i even do?" so i just keep thanking my daddy for giving me something that i don't even deserve. it's amazing, and then he keeps giving. things you didn't even expect, past your wildest dreams for your life, and god is going to take care of you.

even in this desert, god has my back.
it's really going to be okay.

life.

things fall inside out and upside down so quickly that i lose my footing and hit the ground, but it's now the ceiling and i'm lost in a sea of confusion. i mean, i know what i want, and i know i know what i need....and someday i'll need what i want. it's more about the fact that i don't know if everyone else wants what i need or what i want. doesn't make sense, does it? oh well, didn't make any in my mind either.

you are the god who understands.

there are some things that nobody will ever understand.

and that's hard to come to terms with. to realize that my innermost thoughts and feelings may never be understood. i fear that criticism will become my sister, and frustration my brother. these are the things that make my heart keep beating, and yet, these are the things that nobody cares nor wants to know. because lately, everyone is talk talk talking about them and what they're going through and what they need and how much they hate this and how scared they are of that, and they never even stop to think that i'm hurting on the inside. it's not their fault, really, if you think about it. their dna kinda forces them to live in a world of self concern. which is fine...but i was made the same way, and yet nobody wants to listen.

and it should hurt me a lot. it should kill me on the inside. and sometimes it does. there are points that i wonder if all the pain is worth all the beauty that will come. i cry a lot more than i used to, but i'm stronger than i was. because now, when the tears come like a flood, i still cling to jesus' hand. and a lot of people think that i'm not. that i'm choosing to wallow in self-defeat and wander aimlessly for meaningless kisses from men and accolades from crowds. and although i fear that they may be right, just for the simple fact that i fear that people know me better than i do and that i'm blinded by a love for myself...i know that they're not, and that they don't know me like they think they do. they're judging me, and the plank is growing longer and longer and longer and i'm starting to wonder how they don't notice that it's there.

this isn't just a vent about how few people have been there for me though, this is an opportunity for me to realize that i can't expect the world to know. i can't expect them to decipher me, and not only is it selfish to expect it, but it's unrealistic. i have this bad habit of expecting people to love me, yet being unloveable. who wants to love someone that they have to pry open? if you had a jar of olives and a can of olives, which one would you pick? the easier one to get into. and that's how friendship is. (i know, silly analogy, but really) i can't expect people to drill me until i come out of my shell just far enough for them to know that i'm still alive.

and so this is the conclusion i come to.
there are just some things that nobody will ever understand.

shadowfeet

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

You make all things new

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

-shadowfeet, brooke fraser-

this song is the only reason i'm breathing sometimes.

i believe.

something to write, something to write....this bottled up heart of mine isn't easy to unlock. i just want to write, to free my insides. i just want something i say to wake me up on the inside. (and it would be nice to be a little more awake on the outside :)) there's got to be something in me that will inspire myself. cause i run a little deeper than you imagine. and i think a lot harder than you think i think. and i smile for me, and not for you. i'm not who you think i am. i'm not who i think i am. who is who they think they are?

i thought i knew myself: that i was this sort of fashion junkie that considered starbucks a second form of oxygen, a girl who just wanted to be pretty, a girl who just wanted to fit in. someone who sang and danced and wrote for the recognition it brought her. and definitely someone who wasn't destined for great things. more like mediocre. with her mediocre looks and her mediocre smile and her mediocre "talent" and her mediocre walk with christ. and an insecurity masked by a forever fake smile.

and that's not who i am. that's who i WAS. and i won't let my past define my present. i've been destroyed, shattered, and defiled. i've been purified, redeemed, and sanctified. and i am a child of god. i'm a jesus junkie that considers worship a second form of oxygen, who just wants to clothe herself with integrity and dignity and godliness, a girl who wants to be a part of the kingdom. someone who sings and writes for her audience of One. and someone who is destined to change the world through christ, and in a big kind of way. more like incredible. with her incredible looks and incredible smile and her incredible "talent" and her incredible walk with christ. and a confidence that can only be scorned by the religious.

i was praying today, and i came across a verse that talks about women clothing themselves with godliness and not the latest trend. revelation hit me like lightning: i don't want to just be a woman of god, i want to be a godly woman. i want his heart embedded in mine. i want people to see that in me and fear it, i want them to want it. i want to show people the way to have the heart of the king.

the beauty of life.

my sentiments don't seem to be as romantic and poetic to me as they do to the rest of the world. it feels like my prose is hitting a wall between my brain and my pen a lot of times. but tonight, tonight my feelings and my thoughts couldn't be more clear cut and concise. i'm sitting here, musing about the night i've just had...the beauty of independence. artistic freedom in a way i never knew it could happen. there's something to be said about those times that you can't even sleep until you express to the world what just happened to you. when you want everyone to know how happy you are. i don't want to lay me down to sleep, because i know that i could be considered as murdering the moment...the most beautiful thing in the world that could occur. i can't put into words what happened. all i know is that when my good friend talked about those moments where you realize that life can't be better than this, i realized that i was living another one at that very moment. i could tell you that it had everything to do with the setting (although that made a huge impact, the dallas skyline from the west end at night is phenomenal), but it didn't. i could tell you it had everything to do with the people i was with (they did, however, make an impact on my experience, each one of their beautiful personas magnified all of it), but it didn't. i could tell you it had everything to do with the emotions i had inside (of course, that did make everything more poetic and sentimental), but it didn't. it's amazing to me how nothing happened, i just saw beauty for the first time in the way GOD sees it. i saw how beautiful this world is to him and exactly why he created it the way he did. have you ever noticed that the wind blowing in your face gives you this high feeling, it wakes up your insides, it makes you come alive. what about when you look at the night sky, don't you rejoice? don't you delight in the crickets chirping and creating a natural symphony? there's more to this life than the new iphone and the latest mustang. there's more to life than getting ahead. there's more to this life than sitting on a pew once a week to clear your conscience and perform some religious duty to please the world! do you want to know why i had a moment tonight? because i was content. not with where i was at with god, but where i was in life. that's what true spirituality is. smiling when you look at the world around you because you know, you know this isn't all there is. this will never be it. and that in itself can be the most beautiful revelation of them all. i really maintain that life can't get much better than this and that i'd rather close my eyes and make the moment live forever than move on, throw away the latte, get off the trolley, and travel homeward. i'd love to smile like this forever. but the smiles will fade, the latte gets cold, the trolley closes at 10. life goes on, and i'm beginning to believe that the valleys are there only to make the mountaintops more beautiful. it doesn't make moving on any easier. but at least i know that 50 years from now, i'll look back on this night and smile. the beauty of my new life is more than i could have imagined. all my defining moments. all those times that shaped who i am. and all of them so poetic, artistic, and unique. hopefully, someday, i'll be considered unforgettable, my life having been a song to the lord, and a poem to the masses. (written on september 20,2007)

i'm in love with a king who became a slave.

there's got to be something in this broken heart of mine that i can muster up the strength to spill out on paper. i mean, i'm falling apart in so many ways, and coming together in a million others. surely there is something i can say to make all this feel just a little better. and here it is: i want to be loved. i don't mean the dramatic, tween romance kind of love, that kind that gets little butterflies up in your tummy and makes you giggle at the thought. i want to be loved fiercely. i want to love someone with the grown up kind of love. you know, the kind that makes your stomach turn inside out and twists inside of you like a vine.

and i don't need this kind of love from a person. i don't need it from a man, i need it from god mostly. i need to know his touch, his heartbeat, i want the intimacy that comes from knowing god. i want to know and be known by him. there's something to be said of a woman that rejects the love of a man for the love of god's heart. and i'm not saying that because i did it, i'm saying that because that's my goal. i didn't want to do it, you see. and it still hurts a bit. okay, a lot. and i feel like my heart is going to explode.

but there's this god, up in heaven, that is looking down on me and trying to doodle out my future on the palm of his hand. and he needs me to do some things before he can get a vision for the rest of the sketch. so here i am, running around without a clue, and just doing the last thing that god told me to do, hoping that someday it's gonna work out. someday, though, this is all going to turn out to be a masterpiece, and god is going to write his name on my heart. and i'm going to be able to brag to everyone about this priceless treasure that god himself made just for me.

so there you go. i want to be loved violently, jealously. i want to know god, feel god, hear god.
touch god.
i want his heart to join with mine.

white knight

she sits on the front porch at night.
just sits in the little white porch swing
with her skirt wrapped all around her,
as she sits curled in a ball.
and she's trying to figure out how to know love.

all the boys down the street
ask for her number
plead for dates
bargain for her heart.
and she gives it to them...

but only as a way to pass the time before the white knight
comes riding up to her front porch to save her
from suburbia, from the dull, delusional life
she's been trapped in for her 17 years.

the "i love yous" and the one night stands
are nothing to her.
daddy never showed her what patience was all about.
god, he couldnt even control his own curiosity.

so she just meanders aimlessly down the streets
trying to find the knight in shining armor
that will never exist if she doesn't figure love out.

and that's all she really wants.

to hold it in her hands and know how it feels
when her heart races from one gentle brush of his lips.

to taste her lover's sweet kisses and let her heart race five million times faster than ever before.

to see his captivating eyes peering into the depths of her soul and realize he's got her figured out.

to smell his fragrance and anticipate his return.

to hear his whispers, his confessions of love, and to finally understand those four letters that she never knew.

to know that it's okay when her mind flutters, when her body shakes, when her hands tingle, when her heart jumps out of her chest. because she's finally found it.

but she's trapped within the shallow fragments
of a life trying to hide the fact
that she's never known love.
she's hiding behind the boys, the sex, the seduction.

and all it's doing is tearing her apart inside.
and forcing her to sit on the front porch at night.
to just sit in the little white porch swing
with her skirt wrapped all around her,
as she sits curled in a ball.
and she's trying to figure out how to know love.

she's stuck within herself.

season.

The cold, bitter wind slaps our faces as we take a stroll down the avenue. You, with your long, thick hair, your camo jacket, and your oh-so-unique persona. Me, with my red coat, my makeup, and my all-too-familiar walls. And I could listen to you for hours in this place. But the avenue ends, unlike the discoveries we've begun to make. I'm slightly disappointed until you take me arm in arm and we head back to nowhere at turtle speed.

It's your chance to talk. The little things first. Your family, your routine, your faith, your way of life. Love, heartaches, heart breaks. The words you start involuntarily speaking roll off your tongue, and my ears are just open enough to listen through your words. You're trying to make me run away, and the more I listen, the more desperate you get, confessing your sins like we're in life size boxes and I'm some sort of Catholic priest. So I stop walking. Look right into your eyes. Tell you I love you. And I mean it. Keep trying to repel me. Attempt to disgust me. Fight for your solitude. But I'm not going anywhere. I smile and your guard comes up. Have I broken you down? Figured you out?

Well, at least I think so. You send me and my walls caving in with these words. You're telling me who I've been and who I am. Has the wind gotten colder? Is the sky falling? My legs are weakening underneath me and your arm is a lot stronger than I remember. You keep speaking, but I can't make sense of the words. I'm suffocating in this panic. And you ask me who I say I am. You want to know the rest. Is your logic failing you now?

But I know you're hurting, and even though I know you're not so twisted as to want to find the monster in me, perhaps you'd feel just a little better if you saw a glimpse of my humanity. A small price to pay. Just like you said, I'll do anything in the world to make sure those I love don't know pain. So just let me ask you this: are you satisfied? And my words fail me. You've stolen all of them right out of my mouth. Left speechless. My heart is racing, the ground is shaking, but I'll do anything so that the tears won't fall. Vulnerable again. Tears in my eyes, forcing themselves to the brink.

So you ask me if I'm okay. Of course not! You've torn me apart faster than anyone before you! I'm utterly terrified, but in a good way. You wanted to know. So now you can run. Just like the others. You promise me you're not like them, and I'm not so sure that's possible. My inner demons are exposed. You won't stay, even if I've never wished so hard that you will. I wish you'd prove me wrong.

The summer breeze tickles my cheeks once more before the long awaited rain starts falling. I stand up, my body numb from this spot on the curb I sit, the spot where our worlds went topsy turvy not so long ago. No obligations, worries, or cares, so I let the rain drench me as I keep walking at turtle speed. Washing away all my guilt and shame, drowning away all the painful memories of you. I can't help but smile a little. The bitter irony. It's what you wanted. And this avenue isn't as lonely as I thought it would be.

lights will guide you home.

when i write, my mind is free. i have all these little vices trying to tell me to be perfect - to say the perfect thing, to know exactly what i think, to smile a certain way, to be this girl that everyone will love. but when i put myself behind a pen or a keyboard, my heart opens up and i bleed out the real me. i'm not your average girl, i just pretend like i am.

i'm relearning these things about myself that i assumed had been lost in the fray. those things that define the self that i can't admit to. it's not that i want to be false, it's that i've always been taught by society how to be the perfect child. but perfect children don't love the rain. and they don't write things that involve sex, or intimacy with god (song of solomon style). they don't write things that expose the core of who they are, and they sure as heck don't say things that make people blush. but i do. i dance in the rain. i have to write about sex, it's defined me...not in the way you think. it's caused me pain, but it's made me who i am today. god is my lover, my confidant, my intimate friend. i have to expose myself in order to protect you, and i only say what makes you blush to make you deal.

you see, there is beauty in the breakdown. i've known that for years. but now i'm starting to see my beauty through christ. i love when he just shows me who i am and loves me for it. i have a lot of shortcomings, but there's something about me that i will never let go of: that's love and passion. love is at the core of who i am. god's grace is the only reason i'm alive today, and how ironic that my name would bear that meaning. i don't even think about love, it just happens with me. and i have unadulterated passion. i love worship, so i live it. i love writing, so i live it. i love the bible, so i (try to) live it. and maybe that doesn't matter to you, but who i am is something that god himself stepped down from heaven and took the time to create.

so i guess what i'm trying to say is that right now, i'm not okay. i'm kinda in that process where god is taking me apart. and i know it's to reshape me, but that doesn't make it any less painful, and it doesn't make it any faster. but i know that what i've done, no matter who frowns upon it, is the right thing, and it's what god wants, and that's all that matters. his light is what will guide me to his heart.

she washed her sins away.

and she never ever wanted all her days so filled with shame
but the regret of never knowing wholeness occupied her brain
and the minutes turned to hours, and the hours turned to days
as she began to feel her inward child slowly fade away

she didn't want to be this way, no, her heart would never long
for rapidly declining stealth, to forget how she once was strong.
while she smiled for the thousands, she cried for only one...
her heart broken on the inside, and nowhere for her to run.

solace was a rarity on those lonely days and nights
the peace she longed for never came, instead, just inward fights
her restless sleep, her terrored nights, only fed the agony
and nobody thought, nor cared to know, that she was far from free.

sometimes she'd sit and wonder where her youthful years had gone.
she was 17, to be this broken, something must be wrong...
a daily battle, fighting for her strength and dignity
until one day, there was nothing left for her except to see...

she'd had enough, the pain must die, the shame, it had to go
and she'd fight it to the death, even if the world would know
and sure, it hurt, and sure, she bled, but she knew without a doubt
that when the war was over, with god's help, she would come out.

so she washed her sins away, yes, she washed her sins away
in a blood that covers multitudes, a blood that takes the pain
and she washed her sins away, oh yes, she washed her sins away
and she understood what wholeness was when she broke free that day.

the end seems to have come, but yet, this story still lives on
this girl who you've just read about has grown and become strong
she lives her life for christ alone and finds identity
and i'm sure you would have never guessed that this lone girl was me.

the portrait of the woman once was.

her eyes inviting, her smile aglow,
her beauty captivating the whole world to know
her heart on canvas, her feelings to show
the portrait of a woman once was.

she had a purpose, for people to see
the true perception of those who are free
she was created to remind you and me
of a liberty from not so long ago.

the crowds, they came from far and near
to see how this concept of life would appear
her face full of joy and absent of fear
was what they sought, and once could find

but as time progressed, her eyes grew tired
it seemed as though she lost her fire
and something on the inside was dying
this portrait of a woman once was .

then all of a sudden, the smile turned to hate,
the eyes were full of rage and seemed quite irate,
spite written all over her once precious face,
and disappointment fell on us all.

she was no longer beautiful, no glint in her eyes,
what once was cherished was now far from a prize
and she longed for her dying self to be recognized
yet her own vain conceit was her murderer.

her canvas was rotting, her paint had gone dry,
yet she still tried to smile, to run from the lie
she had created, that she was the reason why
people had come from miles around.

but you see, her Creator was where credit was due.
He was her glory, and only He could make her new.
so no matter what, seek what is true
for the woman once was could someday be you.

growing up is hard to do.

my actions, thoughts, and feelings are resolute. drinking soy hot chocolate, sitting in my living room, realizing that life is so much more than what i've made it out to be. i don't understand why i was never this at peace until it should be missing. it causes one to wonder if they're some kind of alice in wonderland upside down child lost their way. but i know that what i've done is the right thing, no matter how hard or how painful it may be or even become. something brings me to the conclusion that i'm going to be okay.

and this is what brings me this...inner resolve. this silence that moves me to words. my older self has been revived once again in hopes of remembering what secure and alone look like intertwined. my life's ambition is to be known as a woman who knew god and had a strength that could not be shaken.

this does not mean that pain is not involved in the grueling process, oh no. there is pain beyond anything i could have conjured up in this overcreative, daydreaming mind of mine. i miss the days past, the days where the road was starting to make sense. and now the trees are closing in, the branches are like thorns, tearing at my wayward worn clothing. the sky is darkening, the ground is coming to life underneath my feet. so here i stand, wondering if the road ahead, no matter how narrow and rough and winding it may be, is the road i want to take.

and i say yes. to the hardship, to the pain, to the dealing. i'm going to say yes until it hurts, i'm going to say yes because i know that god would have me say yes. and even if i go it absolutely alone, i won't be going it completely alone. :)