live for the moments that take your breath away.

i really love people.

i mean, it's kinda my job, my calling, it's pretty much what i'm supposed to be doing...but...i really deeply love people. i was made to love them. this whole weekend was supposed to be about solitude, and somehow, the entire youth group ends up hanging out at my house. but looking back, i can't think of a better way to spend my friday night at home in okc. sure, solitude is necessary, and i love it, but there's something in me that is wired to be drawn to people.

that's all. i'll write more when my heart beats poetic again.

i'm not going to allow it.

fighting insecurity is a very ugly thing.

but i'm doing it right now. all these beautiful girls, all these talented people, all these inspiring souls....bubbling with creativity and passion and beauty. and here i sit, wondering where i fit in this mess, if i even fit at all.

i'm having a jonah moment. i just want to run the other way because i feel inadequate. and i know part of that is because i don't have a human affirming that in me. and i know it's easy to say "well, she should be finding her solace and security in god." and that just shows me that you haven't been where i'm at in a long long time. it's not easy to trust a voice in your head from a god that you can't see. and so i sit here, trying to muster up the strength to pretend like it's alright, like i don't feel like i'll never measure up, and even more so...i'm fighting for all i'm worth. i'm going to give my 3,000% to get out of this rut. i just want to give my all. i just want to be enough, not only for god, but for a person. is that such a crime?

just tell me you love me and i'll leave you alone.

just a few wandering thoughts.

do you think god paints the stars every night? and paints the sunrise every morning?
and if he does, why does he paint them the way he does every night? is it for effect that will make someone realize something they wouldn't know otherwise?
how much of an effect does the starlight and sunrise have on a person's life...unrealized effects, of course.
can it save them?

i went for a drive today.

around the lake, with the wind teasing my hair, windows down, without a single worry in my head. listening to jon foreman and laughing all the way. it was one of the most beautiful moments in my life.

i remember when i got my first car, going for a drive just for the heck of it. roaming and wandering just for the sake of feeling the leather steering wheel in my hands, the pulsating of the rubber meeting the road with ease, feeling as though the whole entire world was at my fingertips. i could go anywhere i wanted, i could be anyone i wanted to be. maybe at home, i was jessica ann-lynn. but on this road, i could be whatever i pleased...i could be a writer, on her way to a meeting with her publisher. i could be a college student, late for a psych test, i could have been anything...and that's what was so romantic about those late afternoon drives.

and now, here i sit, almost three years later. and the time has flown. i've grown up more than i anticipated, i've felt pain i never wanted to know, and i've experienced opportunities my own overimaginative mind couldn't have dreamed up itself. so i'm leaving the bookstore, wondering to myself what i'm going to do with the next half hour before i decide to imprison myself to a desk and a lot of work that needs to get done. and my heart says "go for a drive."

and who am i to deny my heart the very thing it wants?

i make an unexpected turn, and end up driving 'round the lake...well, as far as i can, it's under construction. and i can't stop smiling, romanticizing my life to the point where i realize that it's ridiculous to be unhappy with who i am or what i have or don't have. maybe i'm alone...maybe i'm single, but i'm so happy. isn't that what life is all about? god never wanted us to hate what we had, he wants us to cherish it. so these thoughts are speeding through my head, and i'm speeding through another red light, and it hits me like a freight train:

i am content.

once again. after months of inner turmoil, after longings so suppressed, after heartache, and pain i never want to know again...i've mellowed out. i'm growing up. and i'm content with it. i love the fact that i'm coming alive in a new way. so maybe i don't listen to loud rock and sing at the top of my lungs with my bubbly persona like i did once upon a time when i was 16. maybe now, i love to listen to an acoustic guitar and one voice just softly serenading me, and maybe the industrial world isn't what i'm looking for like i once was. starbucks seems overrated, hollister and abercrombie and coach and fendi and fossil are all so meaningless, compared to this feeling i've got, with my wind tousled hair and my obvious grin, people may think i'm going insane, and i don't care. because i'm happy with my life. and they just wish they had a wonderful life like mine.

i'll find a name for this someday.

mostly tonight, my sentiments just needed to be unleashed. i have a tendency to lock them up in this hyperactive mind of mine and neglect them. so here i sit, late at night, when i could be sleeping, and instead, my mind is running like a stampede. wondering about my future, things past, things present, and things unseen.

one: i believe that god has more than one person destined for you. that they're all of the same type, but not the same exact person. each of them has different things that you don't like about them, and different things that you're enraptured by. i wonder, if you meet one of them in the wrong timing, does that mean it won't ever happen? cause i feel like i'm caught and someone else is getting what i've been waiting for. i just got out of a serious relationship, and by the time i'm ready to dive into the dating pool again, he could very well be gone. and somebody else could have the one i kinda want to discover. i want to know if i could love him.

two: i'm sick and tired of people thinking that i'm not doing this perfectly. why? because they're right. i'm trying to live my life to the best of my ability, and here they sit, like the supreme court of my life, trying to tell me that what i'm doing is wrong and that it would be so much better if i did it this way. but don't they realize that i've already tried that and they've criticized me for that too? it's like i'm walking down a busy nyc street, and they're waiting up and down every alley. just to jump me and take all the confidence i've had worked up.

three: i'm tired and i should probably go to bed before i go certifiably insane.

[sigh] goodnight, moon...

silence is golden.

it's amazing to me to think of how many times we think we have to scream and yell at god to touch him.
and how many times he's laughing at us, cause we're yelling and screaming and he's wanting us to whisper a love song in his ear. or maybe it's more like we're jumping and singing at the top of our lungs, and God's got his arms out trying to wrap us up in them. so often, i think we overlook the intimacy with God as charismatics and consider it "laziness". it's not laziness to lay on the floor of an altar in absolute silence and enjoy God. it's called basking in his presence, and it changes lives. there are moments when i need to get violent for the kingdom, and those times are often. and then there are times when i need to just SHUT UP and wait upon the lord. do you really think i could have gone this long on praise band without god's help? i have to wait on him. i have to trust in him with every step that i take. and that means i have to be silent long enough to hear what my next step is. it's really okay to be silent before the lord. sometimes not speaking at all is louder than yelling, transcending all shouting and screaming. maybe silence penetrates God's ears more so than the loud things.

i like to just sit in his presence. i like to listen to him sing love over me, speak peace over me. i like to crawl up in his lap and just rest. and i especially like it when he holds me. secures me in his arms and just holds me there until i'm ready to get up. and these are the times when i feel the most inspired to write, to sing, to dance before the lord...the times when i'm submissive to his mindset and his wills. i want him to do what he wants to do. that's something that makes me stronger than i was yesterday. the fact that i want god and nothing less. because what god has for me is the best out there, and anything that god says no to, it's because he has something greater for me than what my finite and simple mind can even imagine. everything i think is the best...yeah, it's rubbish to god.

"no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has concieved what God has in store for those who love Him."
-first corinthians chapter two verse nine-

to god be the glory!

knees knocking, hands shaking
my mind is running mad and my body is quaking
i’m not sure i can do this, never been so dependent
it’s gonna take a miracle to be able to finish standing.

the notes escape my lips, my heart is racing
my breath is shallow and my insides are aching
i know He’s gonna see me through it
but it’s gonna take a miracle to be able to keep singing.

in sickness and in health is my vow as the bride
even in my weakest hours, in Him i claim to abide
so i get up on this platform, trying to bring him the glory
and it’s gonna be a miracle if i finish this alive.

i’m singing praises despite the enemy’s attempt
at least i’m walking in the Lord, if even with a limp
and i’m trying to give Him all i have, even if it's my lifeline
and it’s gonna be a miracle for me to take the win.

and the music is fading the song is over
and the Lord seems to feel just a little bit closer
i’m right at the finish line, i’m so glad that i won
and i can see that it’s a miracle that i’ve still got more.

so i look back on this moment, i’m going crazy
because the grace of the lord amazes me
i was down and out, i was on my last leg
but He gave me a miracle, and so i’m going to sing.

don't you wish,

don't you wish that people would believe you when you say that you just care?
that for once in their lives, they wouldn't judge you based on the things that you feel, that they would just TRUST you and believe that you're looking out for them?
i really don't like to put my interests ahead of others'. and i know that people think that i actually want everything for myself, and i know that people think that i'm just being selfish, but i'm really not. i really just don't want her to come tumbling down and she bruises so easily when it comes to love....

this sucks.

i just want people to believe the best in me, is that too much to ask? i just want someone to look at me and look at my situations and say "she's really just trying to do the best thing for everyone". i want someone to know me well enough to know that i'm looking out for their heart and not trying to smash it into pieces or prevent my heart from being crushed. so i guess i'm trying to say i wish people would see my heart.

but i'm sure it's never going to happen.

writer's block.

my heart has so much to say. things just want to pour out of me, all these notions inside of my head, these things that i fear nobody else will understand...and i don't want to keep them to myself. i guess i'm kind of rambling, hoping i'll stumble over my words into something profound.

and it's not happening.

oh, well, better luck next time.