sex. drugs. rock and roll.

longing for something more than
the solitary human existence
intertwining just to fix
the mechanical problem that
seems to be eating away
at their insides
passion lust fire
consuming those who are
active ready and willing

just trying to fill the void
making sure that dreams occupy
in hopes of chasing away the nightmares
emptiness masked by a high
and you gotta stay up can't crash
it's gonna make you go crazy
but it feels so good
feels so much better than the nights
when they cried themselves to sleep

no idea what is being sung
but it makes them feel good
and they tap their toes
to the beat of persuasion
it's all they need to feel
is some kind of angst song
to express the things they lack
raise their hands and salute
a maschocistic sort of lifestyle
not really afraid of what may come
even though they should be

sex drugs and rock&roll may very well be the end of us all.

the music is pounding in my brain.

there's a lot of things
running a marathon in my mind
and i'm distracted
from the repetition of days

for the thoughts in my head
are much more interesting
than the mundane that
sits in front of me.

but the music is pounding
in my brain
and i can't ignore it
but i can't think straight.

it's just pounding itself
the patterns engraving themselves
into my cerebellum
and i can't get the music to stop.

constantly fighting the songs
in my head and i think
i might be going
clinically insane

because the music is pounding in my brain.
and at first i think it's a problem
but then i can't hear your criticism
can't hear your cynicism

and now i know it's more like a solution
i have a hard time getting focused
when there's music just gallavanting
around my brain cells,

but the music is pounding in my brain
and i'm all alone inside myself.

and i'm free for the first time.

i should've known it was too good to be true.

oh man oh man.
what am i gonna do?
money doesn't grow on trees.
i'm coming to realize this.

i need 4,000 to get to school
in the fall and all i can
figure out is a
student loan.

again.

what am i gonna do?
i don't wanna be in debt
when i leave cfni.
i want to do well with my money.

god, you're gonna have to help me.

it's been fun.

watching reruns of old sitcoms
that i would never admit to any other time.
relearning how to live without myspace,
facebook, high speed internet.

resting for the first time in
literally a year or so.
getting to spend time with the family
that i love and cherish with all i am.

it's been real fun.

and i'm almost sad to go home.
yeah, it sucks to not be able to
pull up the internet in a matter of seconds.
but at least i have better things to do anyway.

yeah, it's hard to live with
a generational gap like this one
but it's worth the love and affection
that my grandparents show me.

i love them and adore them more
than anyone out there can possibly
understand or comprehend.
they raised me just as much as my parents.

so this is hard.
to just pick up and leave
something that i've come to
appreciate beyond all reason.

but it's been fun.

i hope you happen to stumble upon this like you did my skin.

it's just another nightmare
another reason to cry myself to sleep
i didn't think it was such a big deal
tried to convince myself it wasn't important.

but i'm ashamed of the things i allowed
him to do when i wasn't even looking.
it's just another nightmare
until i wake up and realize it's real.

i try to rationalize, pretend like it's
not happening, that i'm just
trying to look for a reason to be unhappy
but i can still feel his cold hands and
they cause me to tremble.

his eyes filled with guilt and shame
yet i try to deny the facts that condemn
i know what's happening and i do nothing to stop it
so i attempt to blame myself for all of this.

but facts are facts, and what he did
has scarred me and dug a ditch in my trust
he burned his bridges before he crossed them
and dragged me off the ledge with him.

oh god, i'm finally speaking out.
i can't handle the agony anymore.
the truth has to be told
even with trembling hands as i say this:

you are a monster.
i'm not going to protect you.
the truth is: i've forgiven you
but i can't deny what you are.

and you are nothing more than a coward.

to all the Pharisees out there:

i'm sorry that your "christianity" is boring.

i'm sorry that you have no adventure in following Jesus,
but rather have a ball and chain around your ankle most call religion.
i feel bad for you, that you think God's presence is a casual kind of thing
and you refuse to allow yourselves to fully understand His grace

the kind of grace that frees us from a rigid law.
makes the relationship with you and Him less of Master and slave
and more like lover to Lover.

and i'm mostly sorry that i'm such an inconvenience to you.
i know, it's hard to bear the thought of me being in your church service.
i'm a rebel, i ask questions too much, i provoke thought.
i put my feet on the pew in front of me.
i write poetry during the sermons sometimes.

i'm not a "pretty" worshipper, as some call it.
i don't like to sit through a service without being challenged.
i sing along with the singer during the offering specials.
i even put sermon notes in my cell phone sometimes when i don't have paper.

i'm sorry that you think this is a crime.
your churchgoing experience must be so boring.
i love the adventures that i have with Christ,
and i'm truly sorry that you don't realize:

serving God was meant to be an adventure.

feelin' good.

i'm at peace today.
things just seem to finally be
on the right track.

i got to play a grand piano.
you'd think i'd be sick of worship by now.
you'd think i'd hate to be in front of a piano
singing the same old songs.

but i loved every second of it.
and before i knew it, thirty minutes
were come and gone.

what an amazing feeling,
to be more in love with the Creator of the world
than the day before.
have you ever known his peace?

it passes all understanding.

God, it feels so good
to finally be able to trust you
and to love you with everything
i have in me with no holds barred.

i love you Jesus.

problem solved.

it's good to have someone
shove you in the right direction.
someone who knows you so little
yet well enough to know just what to say.

i feel like i finally have a roadmap for this thing.

people forget how new this is to me
(i've never encountered something mutual like this)
but people also forget how scared i am to love
(and as a result, how scared i am to be loved)

i'm not a pro at this, in fact, i'm often awkward.

i'm not smooth like the other girls.
i don't know how to play that so called "game" that they play
apparently, it comes naturally...
i didn't get the memo or the ability to play.

but i'm getting ahead of myself.

alas, i'm just going to live for the moment
like i so previously aforementioned
i'm just gonna make today worth it.
with him or without him.

can't get ahead of myself, causes problems.

so just friends is the verdict.
for today. and tomorrow. and possibly forever.
but i'm not going to look that far ahead.
day by day, i'm going to choose to care for him.

and it will either stay or go.

sound simple enough?
cause it doesn't feel like it's going to be.
however, it does feel
like it's going to be worth it.

restless.

sitting here
poised before the computer
with a cup of (decaf) coffee
and my ipod singing to me

feeling more loved than ever before
knowing that i have to be up early
excited because i love john mayer (on my ipod)
and ready to be home

but i cannot sleep.

i wonder why i'm restless.
it's not like there's anything wrong
or like my life is falling down the drain
in fact, things couldn't be better at the moment.

but i cannot sleep.

i'm not scared or anything
i tried lying in bed for a while
but to no avail.
i even tried reading till i dozed off.

but i cannot sleep.

and i don't get why i'm restless.
maybe it's because i miss him.
a lot. more than i can probably explain.
just a moment ago,
i caught a hint of his cologne on my shirt

and i frantically started trying to find
where it was coming from.
i thought (in my wildest dreams)
maybe he's here.

...and he wasn't.

and i cannot sleep.

(sigh)...

i think entirely too much.

oh god.

maybe i spoke too soon...

i have a really bad habit of overanalyzing
but my heart is very vulnerable
and it moves me to this state of panic.

i'm happy, i really am.
with or without him.
but to have come so far and
find what i've been waiting for...

only to have it snatched from me this soon?
i can't bear the thought.

i'm gonna have to trust Him,
that He's got it all under control
and i'm gonna have to trust him,
that he's not like the rest.

i'd rather have never known at this point.

sometimes i have to pinch myself to remember i'm not dreaming.

it's not love. (thank god)
but it's a start.

it's something i'm willing to wait on
and it's something i'm willing to let go.
i just gotta figure this out...
really? me? i didn't have a clue...

i mean, i know i'm a cool person...
but to be, you know, liked for who you are.
it's a new experience for me.
and i don't know what to do with myself.

my arms are bruising up from pinching myself.
it feels like a dream
when the one you want says they want you.
it's an amazing feeling i've never known before.

i've either wanted them or they've wanted me...
but never both...

my life is amazing.
and this is just a very
unexpected bonus :)

why aren't we doing something?

this generation is trying
crying
dying
to be realized.

don't you see the pain in their eyes?
we're so tantalized by the snares of this world
make it feel good
do it if you want
live for yourself and nothing else matters

we're prostituting ourselves for a cheap fix.
and it's costing us not only our dignity,
but our joy, peace, faith, hope
in humankind, in the overall goodness of life

that's why abortion is rampaging.
that's why the drugs are the ny times' bestsellers
no longer a hunger for knowledge
but for the next high, the next best thing

can't sleep at night
but it's worth the scars, the pain,
the hunger that won't disappear
it's a lot better than that church thing.

not like it matters to us.
the bride of christ has become flighty
one night stands with the Maker
seductress, Jezebel at best

judgements pronounced on those
who are just like us
the only difference?

at least they admit they're drowning.

so we gotta do something.
pick up this bloody mess off the ground
and do something.
this world is dying in its current state of tainted beliefs

and it is not okay.
we can't live for the fix
we gotta fix our eyes on Him.

we gotta do something
lift our eyes to the heavens
and do something
before it's too late.

my resolve

nothing makes more sense than this moment.

have you ever thought of what that means?
i gotta stop living in the past. can't think of the future.
cause i'm tainted by circumstances when i look that far ahead.

but i just have to live through this moment
and moment by moment, i'll form a day
which forms a week which forms a
month which forms a year which forms
my life.

this is just how things have to be done.
i can no longer allow myself to let my past dictate
my present or my future,
and i can't let my future scare me into living mediocrity.

no halfway when there's nothing to live for in the future.
i live every moment for God alone.
and that's just gonna have to be the way it is.

hope you don't mind if i just start living for the moment.
this is my resolve.

fragile: handle with care.

i'm trying to write something that will make my heart feel better.

and my mind goes blank.
because this doesn't make sense.
why is my heart broken?
why am i crying myself to sleep?

i'm alone.
lonely and alone.
the people at home, they try
to make me feel like i belong.

they send accolades greater than
most people dream of.
they praise my every movement
as though i'm some kind of star.
and that's how they isolate me.

and so i'm back at square one.
lonely and alone.
crying myself to sleep at night
because i'm losing what i value.

god is there in the middle of my storm,
that is never to be denied.

but sometimes i wish god could just hold me.
cause this pain is shaking my very core.
i'm not trying to be dramatic,
i'm not making this a bigger deal than it is,

there's an aching i can't deny.
there's a pain i can't kill.
it's the longing to be where god is.
the longing to be where my family is.

why can't god just be a human for a minute?
i need him to hold me.

this may not be the best piece of literature
this world has ever read...
but this is my heart,
bleeding through my fingertips
and it's the best i've got right now.


::edit::
you want my truth?

i'm terrified.
of failure.
i'm afraid i'm not strong enough
to hack it on my own.
sure, it's easy to be a lover of God
when i'm in the middle of his presence all the time...
but what about when i go home

where people know my past?
what i was all about?
when people don't care about
or believe in the changes i've made?

what then?
sure the church will believe in me,
but they're not the ones i'm trying to reach.

this is going to be the hardest summer of my life...
and i'm going it alone.

homesick

i can't do this.
i've made my own world,
and they're shipping me back to my old one.

LORD, help me, please.
i'm desperate and i feel like i'm drowning.
the tears won't go away.
the pain won't go away.

and i know it's a very short season,
but longing can make a day feel like an eternity.

would you please help me step beyond this sadness?
home is where you are,
but i'm not where home is.

please, please, please,
make me feel alive.
i can't hold back the tears for much longer.
and nobody understands why this hurts so much.

i'll be okay.

"why are you cast down, o my soul?
and why are you disquieted within me?
hope in God;
for i shall yet praise Him,
the help of my countenance and my God."

-psalm 42:11-

why she came

she walks down the aisle,
wondering why the tears are flowing
and as she puts one foot in front of the other
sporadic steps,
but progress in the right direction.
although she still doesn't remember why she came.

beautiful and pure
an image adored by the multitudes
one who is set apart,
for her innocence and purity and childlike heart
hold the keys to the broken

and they break her.

she lets her heart run away,
run wild
with reckless men who forget
to keep it careful.
they betray her for the cheap imitation
and cheapen her image of herself.

"because they needed to know His love" she tells herself.
the lie.
the truth? she needed to know his love
because His love didn't make sense.
but she was so wrong.
and her heart was the price.

now she is rotting away.
her reflection in the mirror is thoroughly sickening
and the tears flow freely
because the adoration and praise she sought has sought elsewhere.
her bitterness and anger and unforgiveness for the whole world to see
has eaten away at this masterpiece has been.

as the tears flow down her cheeks,
she cries, "Oh, God! Deliver me!"
she can't stand to ignore the pain, because it hurts worse than feeling the pain.
and then the peace rushes in like a flood
and she remembers why she came.

i refuse i refuse i refuse

to be subjected to this for much longer.
you better make up your mind.