here's my truth.

i'm having a hard time not wanting to be with you. i've been hurt and i've hurt lovers in the past, and this fact i will not deny. but there is something on my insides that goes wild when you look at me with your piercing eyes. my heart beats a little faster, my mind races a little more, and i can't focus with you here. but you and i haven't been nearly what we were once upon a time. once upon a time, there was something to be had. and now upon this moment, i feel as though we have become two empty, hollowed out people who just sit across from each other and stare blankly for fear of losing all feeling.

but you make me feel.
and it's a feeling that cannot be measured by human standards.
it's love, that's for sure.
but i just have to determine what kind it will be.

my truth: i want you to love me.

last night, i dreamt you were so near

that i could almost feel you beside me.
i was laughing and smiling and
crying because i never thought that
dreams could ever possibly come true.

and i could still be right...
because i woke up alone.

forgive me, mr. darcy.

but it's getting quite inconveniencing waiting on you.
maybe someday, you'll realize that you're so ardently in love with me,
and that i make you incandescently happy.


but since that day isn't today...
i'll just sit here with my sarcastic sentiments, in hopes of masking the way i truly feel.

deliver me, oh god!

maybe someday
you'll loose the chains and leave me free to love
to know
to feel

oh, GOD! deliver me from this
a p a t h y
all these feelings i no longer desire

i am thoroughly convinced
that feeling the pains of the world is
easier to bear
than feeling nothing at all.

oh, GOD! strip away at the
barricades in my soul
and make me

something worthwhile.

i am really tired.

and it's becoming more and more apparent.
i just want to go home
and stay there.

cause things are getting too complicated for me to go on much longer.

redemption

the things i've left behind have left a multitude of stains
i've still got sinful blood that won't stop flowing through my veins
with nothing left to hold onto and nothing left to give
the only song i sing is one that wonders why i live

yet Redemption is flowing from Your side
You say You'll dry the tears i cry and i,
i wanna be with You
and my heart is beating faster inside
as i think of how Your love died
just because You wanna set me free

but Lord! i'm just a wayward child, i'm an undeserving soul
and i'm not sure i can take back all the things those lovers stole
and You say "My child, those things don't even mean a thing to Me.
the only thing I want to do is set your spirit free."

still, Redemption is flowing from Your side
as i continue asking why
I should even deserve to be here with You
the guilt, it longs to take my peace
but in You, i find my soul released
because Your heart is solely fixed on me.

so i wash my face, my hands, my all, in Your pure and holy blood
and Your joy, it rushes through me like an all-consuming flood
can i ever truly pay back all the things You've done in me?
Your salvation now means more than what it ever seemed to be

so Redemption is flowing from Your side
replacing all the tears i've cried and i,
i wanna be with You
for the first time in my life i feel
that Your grace is becoming real
and i will ever love You.

more than all i could ever need
more than anything to me
Your Redemption is the reason that i'm free

as i look back on my life, i see the things that could have been
and i smile, because my life could not have known a better end
Your truth sustains, Your love remains, Your heart has taken mine
and the love between You and me is the forever kind

and Redemption is flowing from Your side
as You pull back the clouds and split the sky and i
i'm running after You
the world grows dim and i fall to my face
and i can't think of a safer place
than in the arms of the One who saved my life.

the lord will separate the real things from the counterfeits.

it's happening even as i find the boldness to speak out about it.

the sheep from the goats. those who say they love god and those who, although they may not speak it forth, love god with everything that is within them. there's a verse that most christians know by heart that talks about how, on the day of judgement, the lord will turn to the most prominent of kings and have to turn them away, saying "depart from me, for i never knew you." and they will be confused, because they did everything they could for god. they got so busy working for the kingdom that they forgot who the king was.

and then there will be those that the lord speaks "well done, thy good and faithful servant! enter into your promise." and these are the people who were willing to fill their schedule with the hassles, but knew that at the end of the day, there was nothing more important than the god of the universe.

this is something that is becoming more and more apparent to me every single day. you can be so absolutely busy for the work of the lord and have tragically flawed character. i admire those of us who sit and wait on the lord (not sit around like lazy dogs) and find their strength for intimacy and character. because, when under pressure, i'm going to trust the foundational people much more than the ones who just keep running around in order to distract themselves from their meaningless works.

people get hateful when they have nothing to base their crazy schedules on. there is this spirit in them, almost like an angry pride, that thins out their good looks and their brilliant personality, and even their spunk. their fire dies out and they are embittered, angry, and washed up on the shore. this is a painful sight to see, when these were the people you once adored, but i implore you to watch yourself. be careful. don't be like those of the church that end up going nowhere with their lives because they burnt out on their lack of sustenance, character, and humility.

because, someday, your sins and your falsities will find you out.
someday...
the lord will separate the real things from the counterfeits.

i have discovered an issue.

i have a problem with the men in my life.
and here i thought i was a step closer to being ready to date.

but i can't even trust that a male authority figure is out to help me and not to manipulate me for what they can get out of me. it's something that is long suppressed, and it traces back to my biological father. he was never there. and i didn't think that it was an issue anymore. but the heart of it is, there are two male figures in my life that have recently destroyed everything i had built up to healing. there were two men who had shown me that not all men were out to abandon and manipulate me. and soon after, they followed suit. there are only two men who have still not done this: my dad and grandfather. and i'm starting to wonder if chivalry is dead. is there really a guy out there who wants me for more than what i can give to him? is there a guy out there somewhere who wants what i have because of my heart and not my actions? and i don't even mean dating wise. i mean in general. there are men in my life that are extraordinary, men that are chock full of character, men that i know i can trust with my life. and i won't. they intimidate me, i'm scared of them, and i'm very silent and flushed around them. which isn't me.

and the issue is, i've been hurt, time and again, by men.
so for me to say that all guys are NOT the same...would require a guy to not be the same.

i'm working on it, i'm not saying it's their fault, but i'm mentioning that it is a very big factor in the reason that it all came crashing in again. i know that i shouldn't base my opinion of all men on the ones i encounter on a daily basis, i know i should have faith in men and trust that they are leading and protecting me. but i'm not there yet, and it's probably going to take a while.

there's no feeling in the world like thinking you're going to die.

two days ago, i was convinced that i was going to die.
two days ago, i was caught in the most pivotal moment of my young adult life.
two days ago...there was a tornado.

4:09. a number that will forever be etched in my mind. 4:05 and i awake to the startling sound of thunder rattling my oh-so-delicate window...cleverly positioned right above my bed. 4:07 and i hear brinly stirring and alisha sighing. 4:08 and i ask all of my roommates if they're awake. i realize that someone is pounding on the door. 4:58:08 and i know what's happening. before the words even escape from her mouth, i predict her sentiments. 4:09. as i jump out of my bed, i hear "TORNADO! Grab your comforters and GET IN THE BATHROOM! NOW!" i see two girls that don't belong to my apartment, and in my stupor, i stumble, half awake, to the bathtub.

apparently, i was the first one in there, prepared with my comforter. i don't recall being first, i just recall thinking "oh god, who am i supposed to say goodbye to first?" i wanted to call my mom last...hers was the last voice i wanted to hear. i'm thinking about all the things i should have done while i was out in the open that could save our lives once the roof is gone.

so i'm sitting in this bathroom, wondering how else i could be spending the last minutes of my life, regretting the fact that i haven't experienced so many things...i've never been married, never had children, never known what it's like to live in the real world. my 18 years are about to get cut short by a swirling wind that has the power to throw cars across a city.

and it's amusing to watch other people handle their fear. naomi's first instinct when hearing the word "tornado" was to grab her precious worship leader limited edition spruce top taylor guitar with holy spirit dove inlays and put it in the centermost closet in the apartment. her second? to begin prayer and intercession for said guitar. alisha is whining incessantly about wanting to go back to bed. bekah likes to tell scary stories when she is feeling uncomfortable or nervous...i guess it reminds her that it can be worse. rachel is suddenly quiet, and i almost forget she's there. the two people that are randomly selected to seek refuge with agape108 is a girl and her mom, both from california. the mom is in the bathtub and the girl is sitting on the edge right next to her. the girl tries to at least appear calm, but the mom is calling everyone she knows to tell them goodbye, and then proceeding to pray that the Almighty would reveal any hidden sin.

brinly is next to me, and shaking so violently that i am literally bumping the wall. there's water from the tap running down my leg, and i'm rationalizing everything. "the power is flickering? that's a good sign...it means the tornado is skipping over us!" and i'm thinking, oh no, the power is flickering...that's a really bad sign. it means the tornado is headed our direction. "it's good that we have reception, it means the tornado is further away." oh no...i just lost my reception...i'm gonna die! "bye mom, i'll see you tomorrow!" ...if i live to see tomorrow.

i start the grueling process of waking people up at 4:25 in the morning to try and warn them about their impending doom. i call all the guys i can, because apparently, they haven't yet been informed of the tornado. calling people like mad...and nobody answers. much to my dismay, i am caught in a situation of never getting to say goodbye to my friends and dying with roommates and strangers.

and then it happens.

leslie, one of my r.a.'s, comes traipsing into our apartment to tell us that the warning is over and that we can go back to bed. i laugh silently, knowing that we're all up for the day. apparently, all of the pandemonium that ensued in agape 108 was a farce. there was a tornado...only 5 miles away, and high winds that could very well have shattered our windows. but there was no tornado on campus waiting to destroy us like we had so fearfully imagined.

the moral of this story? when your r.a. wakes you up at four in the morning, screaming at the top of her lungs and warning you about your soon coming death....


roll over and go back to bed.

i am well.

when i wake up in the mornings, i don't wanna roll over and hit "snooze" again.
when i praise, i don't wanna sit down cause i get tired.
when i sing, my voice doesn't feel like it's gonna explode out of my mouth.
when i go for a run...i don't have to stop because i can't breathe.
when i talk, i'm smiling a lot more than before.
when i walk, i walk with my head up...i have so much to live for.
when i think, i think about how thankful i am for God's provision and blessing in my life.
when i'm having fun, i don't have to go home because i don't feel well.

i am well.
i am very well.
and i may not be 100% yet...
but i will be.

and it's like i have this new hope, that life doesn't have to be this way.
for those of you who don't even know what i'm talking about, i will fill you in.
for the past....well, just about 2.5 years....i've been sick.
the doctors didn't know why i was constantly getting respiratory and ear and sinus infections that would literally stick me at home because i would have dizzy spells and cold sweats and exhaustion. i missed a lot of school because my body was just so...tired. so they thought i had the flu. then they thought it was mono. then it was pneumonia, then an enlarged heart, then enlarged lungs, and mostly they guessed it was chronic fatigue syndrome...they were just guessing, i presume. i don't blame them, nothing made sense. and so life went on like this for a time. and then they thought they had figured it out: anemia. it made sense, the flushing and the dizziness and the exhaustion and the susceptibility to illness. and taking the iron supplements solved things...

...for about a week.
so it was on to find another option or a cure.

and that's been my life for the past 2 years, it's been a really tough fight...one that i haven't openly spoken about, just for the fact that i didn't want pity, i didn't want to be treated differently, i just wanted to be as normal as i could. but it was hard to even get out of bed some mornings because i was exhausted, i was weak, and i was dizzy. it was hard to smile when everything in me just wanted to cry. sickness breaks you, it really does. it makes you feel...like you did something to deserve it. at least that's how i felt. and i felt so...hopeless. i gave up in a lot of ways. and everyone told me "you have to fight, you don't have to live like this, you just don't have faith, you just aren't praying hard enough, you don't believe it...you just have to recieve it and walk in your healing every single day." while all of this is true, that's the last thing i needed to hear. it made me feel like it was my fault that i wasn't healed, it made me feel condemned. and then came the revelation: a man was speaking at our service and was talking about how you can't deny that there's a problem, but you can choose to 1. admit there is something happening and then 2. shift your thinking. and that's what changed my entire life. and i've been doing that. everyday for about a month.

and i'm here to tell you that God heals.

i am well.
and i will never not be well again. :)

when i think about where i've been and where it's brought me,
i'm glad i've been there and i'm glad i've ended up here.

normal doesn't seem to be so wonderful sometimes.

sometimes i have to wonder if the "normal people" in this world are really the ones who are missing out. the people who have everything, the people who are totally whole.

i have an autistic friend who is by far the most fascinating person i know. he has the purest heart and i guarantee that his relationship with god is the most beautiful thing in the world.

and i have a deaf friend who feels sorry for the hearing because we are selfish, greedy, and filled with hatred. those of us who are "normal" take advantage of god's blessing so often, and we don't even know how great we could have it if we would realize that we don't DESERVE anything we have, and that it can be taken away at any moment.

that's the thing. without that struggle, how will we know how victory truly feels? and that it's the best thing in the world? i love to think that my sickness was just a season for me to realize how wonderful being well is. and i am well. for the first time in a long while, i can say that i'm well and really mean it with all my heart. that's glory to god, of course. but what i'm trying to say is that i'm glad i was sick. because my sickness made my wellness all that much more amazing to me.

just don't take anything for granted. you didn't earn it. the lord gives, and the lord takes away. and only when you realize that can you truly be grateful.