stupid gmail.

won't let me use my gmail account on this blog.
so i'm moving.

this is my new blog.

angels among us

i was listening to jason upton's song "fly" for the first time today...you know, the song with the angels singing along? and i was immediately skeptical. until i heard a testimony from someone who works for and with jason upton. he said that they couldn't find the sound, that neither of the back up singers were even on the stage when it happened, they were in the audience. one was hiding underneath the soundbooth, unsure of what was going to happen (this is the guy who gave the testimony). a kid jumped under there with him and said "a twelve foot tall angel is standing behind jason upton!" and that's when he heard the singing. when the recording was taken to nashville to be mastered, the engineer, who had NOT been at the live recording, said it was feedback, but when he went back to find the feedback, every channel was empty. they waited until last to check jason's mike. when they did, they found that there were two wavelengths, and the engineer immediately said, "whatever is making the second wavelength had to have been at least 12 foot high".

why not? why can't the angels sing with us? why can't they be enjoying our worship? why wouldn't they be singing along to the One that we worship in common? it's ridiculous that we're so easily persuaded to believe people can be raised from the dead, and yet find it so hard to believe that guardian angels can be right next to us, singing along, praying along, living among us. it says in the word that we could very well be entertaining angels unaware.

i want my worship to provoke the angels to sing. not because i'm worth anything. but, oh! how i long to touch the Father's heart. how i long to be so in love with Him, so intimate with my Maker, that i can literally hear Him singing over me! why do i allow my flesh, my logic, to deny the very existence of the supernatural in the here and the now? i just want Jesus. i don't want any of the pretenses. i'm not seeking the manifestations. i'm seeking the nearness.

nearness.
that's what i want.
i want the nearness of God.
i want to know he's less than a step away from me
whenever i call on Him, that He's already holding me.

intimacy.
that's what i long for.
i want intimacy with God. His
beauty capturing my heart.

oh, God! how i desire You every time i hear Your name.
this love isn't even like the love i had yesterday
and the love i have tomorrow won't compare to the love i have today.
i want to sing and dance with the angels
i want to be so close to you that i can feel you breathing against me.

forgive me, skeptics and heretics and hypocrites,
and especially you Pharisees:
i know that what i'm saying is a little too "intimate" and "implicating" for your taste.
but my love for His touch and His heartbeat
far surpasses any of those righteous works that make you feel good...
for about a week.

i'm not going to settle for normal.
why can't the angels be where i am?
why can't i be where the angels are?
why won't you stop telling me it can't be done?

[untitled]

i was looking at some bumper stickers on facebook (yeah, i know, get a life) and i decided to check out the "religion" category quite reluctantly. sure, i'm a christian, but you never know what you're gonna find in that category nowadays. and as i browsed, my heart began to break. so many people have missed the mark on what christianity is about, not only in the world, but in the church. and it's breaking my heart.

that's all i had to say.

there is no title to describe how i'm feeling.

i'm talking to a friend and i'm realizing just how far i have to go.
don't you hate when you think you've dealt with something...and you're so far away from being over it?
i was outside tonight, and i heard a dog rustling the bushes. i started shaking.
a man came in the office today and locked himself in there with me, we were alone. i broke down.

i'm so far from being "over it". and i want to be. that's what kills me. i don't want him to have that kind of power and control over me anymore, but i don't know how to just be over it. and they tell me that it's natural, that it's going to take time to heal my heart. but i can't wait. this is unbearable.

why me? why did something like this happen to me? i feel disgusting and stupid and broken and i don't want this pain. i didn't ask for it, so i wish it would just disappear.

i am finding newness in me.

i'm refreshed today. not that it's going to last as long as i'd like for it to, it never seems to stay with me long. i'm always tired, always thinking, often troubled and seldom still. there's lots of things i seriously must consider. things that affect my future, things that affect my past, things that affect my very existence in this day right now. i have to think about these things in order to come to conclusions and to move on with my life.

but i'm tired of thinking. i'm tired of feeling like as soon as i top a mountain, i fall to my near death into a valley below. i'm tired of telling people i'm okay when i'm not. i know God is faithful, and i'm not lying when i say that, but when that's all i can say, can't you see i'm fighting? can't you see the pain in my eyes, the tears behind my voice? can you even see me? have you even ever known me?

i hate when people pity themselves. when people make life the agressor and themselves the victim. i do. i absolutely hate it. and here i am, obligated to be the victim. because it's not my fault, it isn't. i'm seeing that now. i'm not responsible for others' choices that affect me. if it's my fault, then it's my fault if my friends walk away from me because of choices THEY made. it doesn't make sense. but to say that means to say that i was the victim. and how can i hate who i am? am i even a victim? or is there a difference between actually BEING a victim and CHOOSING to be a victim?

yeah. i know, refreshed and i'm saying all of this? if you only knew how it is when i've got a lot on my mind. :)