it's just reality.

i'm still locked in a fanatical daze.
how did all this happen?
and why can't i seem to wake myself up
out of this nightmarish state?

i try to smile and there he is.
i try to laugh and i find myself looking for
who wants to steal my happiness.
not a day goes by where i'm not
haunted by that night, where i don't
think about the pain and the heartache
that has been caused that can never be taken back.

i'm in between a rock and a hard place.
i feel sick to my stomach
just trying to come to terms about it.
i want to cry,
but tears just won't fall anymore.
i've conditioned myself to be tough.

i want people to know that i'm not
some kind of drama queen just
trying to get attention.
if i could stop getting attention
i'd be content, thank you.

i want to hide in a corner most of the time
and just watch my life go by.
it seems easier, you know,
just ignoring your potential at a time like this.

i just can't stop
shaking my head in shame at all this.
why me? what did i do for this to happen?
what's wrong with ME?
it's gotta be something inside of me.

yeah, i know. they keep telling me not to blame myself,
it's not my fault.
but this is so hard for me.
fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.
that's what i think of when they tell me
it's not my fault.
and sure, i know it's the enemy coming against me,
but i just don't know if i can
stand up on my own two feet right now.
this battle is the lord's
because i can't make it on my own.
i'm so broken, so confused, so hurt...

and i'm so sure that i can't do this.

abortion: the politicians say "it's all about women's rights"

dear women,

we thought we would write you this letter to inform you of your rights, considering that's what abortion is all about. we find it necessary for you to know that we really are concerned about you, the woman, and not like those "pro life" radicals that only care about the fetus inside of you. so, in this letter, we are going to show you that your rights as a woman are, indeed, the most important thing.

it is YOUR RIGHT to let us use you to boost the economy. with 1.37million abortions a year in the U.S. alone, and with the price of abortions starting at $300 a piece, your abortions are helping us keep the economy alive. forget gas prices, abortions are where the money is at.

it is YOUR RIGHT to be misinformed about the procedure of an abortion. we know that you wouldn't be able to go through with something that horrific if you knew the facts, so we figured it would be best if in your fragile state, we tell you the facts that make it easier to have an abortion, and not the facts that could change your mind.

it is YOUR RIGHT to open up the door to infertility. 25% of women who have abortions remain permanently childless. although it's an inconvenience for us that you have to end up childless and can't give us more business, we understand that we can't get everyone to have a second abortion.

it is YOUR RIGHT to neglect women who can't have children. those women could adopt your baby, but hey, they're not paying for the hospital bills, now are they?

it is YOUR RIGHT to regret the abortion for the rest of your life. even though we don't tell you that will happen when you're in our clinics (you might not go through with it if we tell you then), we guarantee that you won't be able to drive by a billboard about abortion, or hear an ad campaign about an abortion, or see a newborn baby without feeling a twinge of regret in your heart.

it is YOUR RIGHT to have an abortion out of inconvenience. 64% of women that have abortions are unmarried, so we understand that you're just afraid you'll end up on welfare. we know it's hard for you out there, and it's definitely not hard for the women who have toddlers who get left by their husbands. and we know that you'll bring us more business. 47% of you will come back to us again.

it is YOUR RIGHT to take on post abortion syndrome. you haven't heard about that? oh yeah, we couldn't tell you at first cause of your "delicate frame of mind". post abortion syndrome is a stress disorder caused from the shame and regret of having an abortion. women have been known to need medication, sink into deep depression, and even in a few cases, commit suicide.

mostly, though, it's YOUR RIGHT to be uninformed about all this.
thanks, women, for taking the time to read this letter and understand YOUR RIGHTS as a woman. we hope you see that your best interest is at heart. having a baby is so inconveniencing, even though it's supposed to be the biggest gift a woman can recieve. those women that have the gall to have the child anyway, especially the ones that were raped (cause only 1% of women having abortions were raped and became pregnant), are just trying to be heroic. "the womb should be the safest place on earth"...after the first trimester.

sincerely,
the pro choice politicians

-sounds like those politicians sure know what you need.-

don't play around with this stuff.

it's really not as romantic as they
try to make it sound.
i can't understand why anyone would lie
and pretend like they've been down that road.
it's not cute, it's not even sad...
it's sickening.

turns you inside out
makes you feel like you'll never
scrub the guilt off of your terrorized
memory and your vulnerable body

makes you shake at the mere thought
of talking about it.
you don't even cry at all anymore
cause...well you just don't.

it's the real world.
you can't eat, can't sleep
feel condemned by every waking moment
and you blame yourself for all of it.

try to rationalize it all
make it seem like an accident.
and when that doesn't work,
here you are again,
hovering over a toilet bowl

trying to hold yourself together
cause the tears won't fall
but you're falling apart
shaking and you're sick at your stomach

words run together
the floor crashes into the ceiling
your world is spinning
and you just wish you could hide in
a dark corner, hide from it all

but this is your life.
and you have to deal with the facts
that you were destroyed
and that it'll haunt you forever.

does that sound romantic to you?

give it all you've got.

life was meant to be lived out
not wasted on the couch
time is tick tick ticking away
and all we're doing is

living a lie
trying to die
while forgetting all the reasons why
we believed in ourselves once upon a time

more than just an empty hollow
skin package
we gotta do something that
makes people remember

i'm made for more than this!
i wanna love someone
i wanna be loved

go outside. shake things up.
make things up
break things up.

they say change is inevitable
so make the change
we gotta rearrange

the mundane
to soothe the pain
but it's driving me insane
forget being plain

i was made for more than this
more than an empty soul
more than a broken heart
i'm a thinker, dreamer
fighter, lover
giver, taker

i wanna meet my Maker

....with nothing held back.

thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts.

things should be flowing out of my mouth right now. i've had so much time to think over the past few days about anything and everything that needs my immediate or not so immediate consideration. but all i can think of is how much i long for intimacy with my Maker once again. it's not like i'm backsliding, i'm in love with Him more than yesterday, but i think the fact of the matter is what i once considered intimacy is now familiar and i want MORE! not because it feels good, but because there is nothing on this earth worth near as much as intimacy with my God. i was reading song of songs last night (i know, again) and i was sitting there just reading how much solomon's beloved knew about him. she knew his characteristics, she knew every detail of his body, she knew the things that probably nobody else notices. and there's this verse, that i'm sitting here contemplating. all you good christians out there know this one "do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." so i'm thinking about that passage. it's mentioned actually 3 times in this book. most people only see it twice, but it's there a third time, right at the end. and i'm wondering, why in the heck would a girl who has the man of her dreams tell us girls not to fall in love until the perfect time? and how will we know when the perfect time, and who the perfect guy, and how ready we are, happens? is this just another form of the proverbs 31 myth? (fyi, guys: if you're looking for the proverbs 31 woman in the totality of what the chapter talks about, you're probably gonna be looking for a long time...on the forever side of things. i mean, geez, why don't we just go looking around for a guy just like jesus and see how you feel. she was a HUMAN woman, she might have even been bathsheba. and some of those qualities were unique to HER, and i just won't have them, no matter how much i want to and try to. anyways, off my soapbox)

so i think the truth kinda hit me like a semi-truck on the interstate. while the verse(s) are definitely talking about relationships with the opposite gender, and guarding your heart like proverbs talks about, i think there's something deeper we can take from this too. like i said, this is a book of the bible about a man and woman in love. but let's not forget, it's also considered the greatest metaphor in the bible of Christ and His bride, the church. i think God is trying to tell us (maybe just me) something. don't try to fall in love if your heart won't follow. don't try falling in love with Me if it's just gonna be a bunch of words and some random songs that you sing when you need something from Me. God is trying to tell us that without desire, we won't truly be loving Him, and He'd rather us just be honest with ourselves and admit that our heart doesn't desire Him just yet than to pretend that we've sure got it together and that we're totally overtaken by Him. it goes back to the verse in matthew that says "whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake will find it." it's gotta be a reckless abandon kind of thing. if i'm not ready to take it to the next level of intimacy, that's okay. but if i am, i have to be ready and willing to give it all away.

of course, i could be wrong, but i firmly believe that God is trying to say something else besides don't fall in love till the time is ripe and you're ready. and i know that my God's heart breaks when people do things halfway. He loves to see those who drown themselves in the things He loves, so i think that's what i'm gonna do. just go a bit deeper in this love i have for something that saved my life.

a different kind of revival

for ages, its beauty has not been foretold
and the world is left wondering what's left to behold
while they know that their hearts seem to long for much more
they're about to see something unwitnessed before.

for the church is a body, quite tattered and torn
it was hated the minute revival was born
and it will be hated long after we're gone
yet, do not lose your hope, for here comes the dawn:

a day is soon coming when something will change,
where our hard, calloused hearts our Lord will rearrange.
it sounds great to conform, but yet something remains,
and even now, the church is having growing pains

for something is birthing on the inside of this
and this coming revival you won't want to miss
while some will step back and resist Heaven's fire,
it won't take long for the Lord to take you much higher.

the calloused, stone hearts will soon come to life,
and the word of the lord will cut spirits as a knife.
it won't be pleasant, and it won't be easy,
but it will surely set the captives free.

coming alive in a way never known
and the church will be ostracized, going it alone
but then we'll see our Jesus' face
and everything else will just fall into place.

are you ready for this movement?
i'm calling it love.

second thessalonians 3:3

"but the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one."

my world has come to a screeching halt.
i came to visit friends in dallas to take a weekend off of work,
and my car broke down.
now, in order to get home, i have to use the money i've earned thus far to pay for my school bill
to fix something i didn't even know was broken.

my family is going their separate ways for a few weeks
my best friend is going to south america for a month
my other best friend isn't here with me, she's in freaking michigan
and everything should be falling apart at the seams.

but this verse has echoed in my head.
when people tell me i should be freaking out...
i just say yeah. but god is faithful.
because he is. how can i seriously doubt that
He can come through when he literally saved my life?!

there is nothing left to hold onto in this world
that will stand
but Christ alone.
there's nothing more that i desire
than to cling to His hand.

(thanks, oprah, but i'll make the "pathetic error" of clinging to the old rugged cross)

for there is something about His name
that calms my fears
and puts my soul at ease.

how can i ignore this peace that i've found?

if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything...but if you stand for everything, does your stand really matter?

that's something God has been putting on my heart lately.
the fad right now is to be part of the solution to this growing problem in our world we call injustice. everyone wants to be an activist, a tree hugger, living for a cause greater than themselves. and that's great. it's so refreshing to see such a selfish world [especially our nation] reach out for each other. so many great organizations have emerged in the past two to three years that you can join and feel like you're making a difference and not just living for yourself.

but there are things closer to my heart than some organizations. yes, i know there are hungry children out there, and my heart breaks for them, and i want to help. yes, i know there are people who are bound up by meth addiction, and i pray for those people. i'm aware of the growing pornography addiction and the stronghold it has on our nation, and i boycott any clothing line that sends its profit to the porn industry. but if i join every activist movement around, i'm spread so thin that i don't really identify for those things, and i won't fight for them as violently as if i choose those closest to my heart and give my all to them. i'm not saying the other organizations out there are worthless, but i was made and wired to be unique, which means i'm going to stand for things completely different from things you're going to stand for.

i've been really praying about this lately, and it's been in my spirit.
and i've finally chosen what i'm going to stand for.

bound4life: this is a pro life organization. abortion is rampant in this country, and it's something that is destroying our nation piece by piece. did you know that 500,000 women were seeking to adopt in the 90's? i wonder how many of those never got a child because of abortion. women that can't have children, and yet, there are women taking that for granted all over the place. people always want to talk about how pro life people are selfish and only care about the baby. what if a woman is raped? having the baby would ruin her life. this sounds like a convincing argument, but it's not true. have you ever heard of post abortion syndrome? studies are showing that women who have had abortions are more likely to commit suicide after the act. they're finding that it's almost like PTSD, which a majority of Vietnam veterans suffer from. there is guilt that they can't handle, and this causes depression and in some cases, suicide. even in the cases where a woman was raped and she had an abortion. tell me i don't care about the women as much as the babies. i care about abortion as an issue because i was almost aborted. it's only by the grace of God and His hand on my mother's life that i'm here today. pro life is written on my dna.


twloha: did you know that suicide is the third leading cause of death among american teenagers? depression is one of the leading causes of disability. the national institute of mental health claims that over 18 million people suffer from depression in america alone. teenagers who have a history of depression in their family are more than three times as likely to suffer from the same condition. and yes, it's a condition. depression occurs alongside anxiety attacks and substance abuse in most cases. tell me that this isn't a problem. this is not okay. these people are broken. they're not crazy, they're not screwed up, they're not psycho, they're people and they're just crying out for healing. they just need love, and we have GOT to reach out and help them. i've been there. i suffered from depression my junior year and i had NO idea why. i even contemplated suicide. but there were people around me that loved me and walked me through it. don't you think that those people out there who are cutting themselves and dying for love, but asking for no attention, should get the same opportunity?


invisible children: there is a civil war going on in uganda. did you know that? i didn't for a long time, not until i got to CFNI. i'm not one to watch the news, because it's so depressing (that's why it was so easy for me to get rid of my tv). but i heard about invisible children, and i didn't know what it was all about. and then i read about the history of this war going on in uganda. it's a religious crusade gone awry. a woman named alice lakwena believed that the holy spirit had told her to overthrow the ugandan government for being unjust to the acholis. the movement gained momentum and she was thrown into exile. a man named joseph kony, who claimed to be her cousin, took over and created the LRA (Lord's Resistance Army). they have been at war with ugandan government since. this has been happening since the 1980's. in the 90's, the government moved the population into refugee camps in an effort to protect them. but this effort has turned on them and these camps have turned into death traps. they need not only our financial support to rebuild this broken country, but our prayers that justice would rise up and that joseph kony and his right hand men will be apprehended (in 2005, the international criminal court put out a warrant for their arrest).

so that's my stand.
and maybe when i grow up a little more, i can
stand for more.
but this is what i stand for and i'll stand for it till i die.

www.bound4life.com
www.twloha.com
www.invisiblechildren.com

check it out. find what you stand for.

broken only to be mended.

can't everyone just leave me alone for just one minute?

i have a life to figure out too.
i just want 5 minutes to myself! i just need
to find some kind of solace
some kind of comfort

when divinity seems to disappear.
don't get me wrong, it rained today,
and i smiled every moment there were
raindrops falling,

but sometimes it's not enough.
i just want You to split the sky
and come get me.

rip me out of this fleshly prison
and let me fly to You
let me come in Your lap
as You squeeze me tight and say

"welcome, beloved."

can i cry in Your arms?
would i even be disappointed anymore?
would there be sadness,
or would you take it and in its place,
give me unspeakable joy?

can't You do that right now?
the pain of facing my fears
and facing the things i hid from myself
is much too much to bear alone.
i can't stand up under it.

so come, Lord, and deliver me
from the prison i handcrafted.
can i just have a minute, everyone?
i'm kind of falling apart again.

the marketing of christianity

i'm thoroughly dissatisfied with the state of our nation.
why are we stuck in this pattern of childlike behavior
claiming to have fellowship with a man
who would most likely say:

"depart from me, you workers of iniquity! i never knew you."

our christianity has become something
more than just a lifestyle
it's all about the way you wanna be
kind of like a try it on for size kind of thing.

we make our doctrines to accomodate our needs
or the things we claim that we need.
god's will is subjective,
according to whatever seems to feel good at the moment.

can't we just take this stuff
literally for a change?
as a.w. tozer once said,
"you should never ask for counsel about something
that God has already forbidden."

God, help me to do what you say,
not what my interpretation makes
convenient at the moment.

i'm not normally so sentimental.

i'm coming to realize the importance of friendships.
to abandon all hopes and dreams of friendships and the relationship itself, is to deprive a person of the most exceptional, beautiful, lifechanging, crazyamazing thing they could ever possibly know.

it's when you don't talk to those people, don't see those people, don't live with those people for an extended amount of time, and you almost feel like things are crumbling underneath you because they're not there to listen and talk to you about things. when they always call you when you're tied up at the moment, and you don't get a chance to call them back cause you get home late. when life goes on without them, it kinda hurts.

i miss my friends. i miss their smiles, their laughs, their mannerisms that i have memorized, their scents, their touch...i just long to hold alisha in my arms and feel her squirm, because she hates physical touch, but then feel her settle into my hug, because she knows it's making me the happiest woman on the earth. i can't wait to spin naomi around like a top and just nearly kiss her because i've missed her so. i'm dying to see bekah and squeeze the life out of her while she laughs that loud and ridiculous laugh that penetrates the sound barrier. i'm dying to get a ryan sharp hug, the awkward, quick kind that he gives, because his love language isn't really physical touch with girls. but it makes me feel loved, because he put forth an effort to show me how much he cares. and i want to hear kristian really quietly say, hey friend, as he gives me this really soft, side hug that makes me feel warm. i wanna see the duhons, hear matt laugh really loud and sit through an hour long pep talk. see heather's smile light up a room again, and listen to her talk talk talk cause she's always at home with kids and never gets to hang out with grownups. to see natalie and eliana, the sunshine of my life, come running towards me and smiling and laughing because they haven't seen me in a very very long time. to hear eliana grunt out of frustration...to hear natalie laugh. i can't wait much longer to introduce myself to caleb matthew duhon, to hold him in my arms and kiss him and tell him how precious i think he is, to welcome him to a beautiful family.

these are the things i live for. the things that kill me when i miss them. the people that make my life something worth getting out of bed for everyday. i can't imagine my life without these people. so you can imagine why tears are fighting their way to the brink while i'm writing this.

if you read this, i miss you.

Your love is strong and it makes me wanna dance.

Heavenly Father, You always amaze me
let Your kingdom come in my world and in my life
You give me the food I need to live through the day
and forgive me as I forgive
the people that wronged me
lead me far from temptation
deliver me from the evil one

i look out the window the birds are composing
not a note is out of tune or out of place
i look at the meadow and stare at the flowers
better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

so why do I worry? why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

the kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
invade my heart invade this broken town
the kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure
till you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

two things you told me:
that You are strong
and You love me
yes, You love me

our God in heaven hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come Your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
give us today our daily bread
forgive us wicked sinners
lead us far away from our vices
and deliver us from these prisons

-your love is strong, jon foreman-


this is the prayer of my heart. when things are supposed to be in shambles all around me, i stand strong in the passion and love i have for His heart. it makes me wanna get up and dance! have you ever just felt your heart skip and leap and do somersaults inside of you because you realized that there just isn't a love better than this?

welcome to my world. :)

it's somewhat indescribable.

this thing i'm feeling.
it's not supposed to be this way.
my heart is supposed to be broken.

and yet, here i sit, smiling to no end.

something about my Lover has made me
feel more than complete.
more than satisfied - things i've never felt
coming out from the inside of me

making me shine like a star.
He is jealous for me. absolutely
adores the ground i walk on.

and He makes my heart skip beats.
the most complete lover i could ever have.
aughhhh! i'm so in love
even though i supposedly lost it.

and yes, someday, i will find
that love that makes me spin upside down
that i will be with, for better or for worse
and he will adore the very ground i walk on.

until then, i am more than content
to love on the One who will give me this
chance of a lifetime.
i can wait forever, as long as
He is with me.

wow.
my God is so good.
i'm so overwhelmed with love for Him.

He is the most beautiful thing that could ever exist.

i've just gotta get it out of my system.

when there's a million things to say, and yet nobody to speak them to, here i sit. words poised in front of a computer screen, hoping that my sentiments will unleash themselves and even, quite possibly, make sense to some wayward reader who stumbles upon this seemingly pointless thing we call a blog.

but this is my heart and soul i'm pouring out to you. and not for your amusement. this is for me to heal. i know there are a lot of little parts inside of me that are fighting and clawing their way to the surface for the battle of a lifetime. and i know that i'm probably not making sense to even myself, but i know for sure that someone's got a mission out on me.

my emotions have crumbled to the ground and i have found myself trying to mop myself up off of the floor. i'm weaker than i've ever been, and nothing has caused me to be this way. just yesterday, i broke down crying and yelled at a friend for absolutely no reason and probably got him absolutely confused. and i didn't understand why i was so broken. i couldn't figure out why i was so panicked.

until today. there are two reasons: i always feel something changing before it happens. i'll be absolutely depressed for no reason whatsoever and then days later, after i'm completely over it, someone will mention something pertaining to that emotion and i can tell them exactly how they were feeling, because i felt their pain.

i know i was feeling quite a few people's pain yesterday. i didn't realize it at the time, of course, and i tried to diagnose my problem on something else, but there was just no way i could do it. so many things in my life are going awry right now. and my heart and soul are buckled down in Christ, but for some reason, when someone else's life is spiraling out of control, i can't keep my composure.

and also, the enemy has it out for me. i've been getting stronger in my hunger to know God and His word. i've been growing in my ability and even my desire to help others. i'm living a life holy and pleasing unto Him. i've had peace that passed all understanding. i've been trying my best to live a joyful life. i haven't led worship in a month. i've only sang one song in that time frame as a performance. and i'm loving the secret places i find with Christ, those sacred moments that nobody will ever know. chuppah experiences.

and satan doesn't like it one bit. so what is he gonna do? throw the fiery darts at me and try to bring me down. and it almost worked. but i recognize it for what it is and i am going to fight back with every fiber of my being. i will break out of the mold. i will not suffer from depression like the majority of my family. i will not allow myself to fall into the pattern of self-pity and self-preservation. i will be a different kind of woman. i will carry on the legacy that my family has carried through the ages, and yet i will improve it.

*sigh* i feel a lot better now.

i'd venture to guess

it's worse than a slap in the face. to be put on the bottom of the list.

let me explain. at the core of who i am, i am terrified that you'll walk away without saying goodbye and never come back. i'm so afraid that you don't want me and so you're just gonna give up and forget me. yeah, i know, it stems from the fact that my biological father abandoned my momma. i've come to terms with that. and i've really tried to mend it. i squeeze people so tight that they slip right out of my arms. i suffocate them dry. i don't wanna be that person, and so i work so hard at "playing it cool" when i don't get to talk to someone for weeks or when i can't remember the last time i saw them was. i try and rationalize it, but fear is irrational. and this is where i start to panic.

so when i haven't talked to someone that i'm interested in for 5 days, because they're super busy gearing up for the best summer of their life (obviously one i will not be a part of) and they seem to find more solace in the computer and hanging out with other friends than talking to me, i start to worry. i fear that it's over. that it was too good to be true. and it sends my insides into an utter panic. the one person i trusted can't have let me down like all the others.

but that's how i feel. like i've been slapped in the face with a priority list and i'm at the bottom.

i don't like the bottom :(




:::edit:::

...and i bet that's how God feels about me. Oh, Lord, forgive my selfish ambition. i know that you're more important than any of the things i prioritize above you (my talents, my loves, my relationships...) and i'm sure you loathe the bottom as much as i do, if not more. i'm so sorry. i'd make a promise to do better, but i'm so frail and human. i'll give you the best i can give and i hope that's much better than what i've been giving you, which is my scraps. :(

esther [through my eyes]

beauty unmatchable
a force to be reckoned with
yet her humility and her
inner beauty make her

matchless

savior of her people
only a woman can bring
about this kind of outcome
with her outward brokenness,

inner strength.

what a shining example
of what a woman should be
beautiful and broken
longing for a cause

victory

nobody in history
has been honored as she
and yet all she did
was speak the words

inspired by the Almighty.

how beautiful can a woman be?
do we always underestimate her power?
for her words could bring a
grown man to his knees,
her words could bring
salvation to a nation

and we must be as she.

still not feeling well.

i'm all jumbled up
when i'm not feeling well.

t
o
p
s
y

t
u
r
v
y

all sacttrerbiaend (scatterbrained)
but i guess to me
one thing sticks out in the middle
of all this madness.
one point of clarity.

i miss youuuu

and i don't even have a reason to.
i just miss the talks.
the hugs.
the laughs. the crazy memories.
and just to hear your voice
just for one second.
would be great, thank you.

call me shallow.
say i'm obsessive.
get offended by my
tiny little longing
to hear his voice

tell me i've lost my focus.
but you don't know me one bit.

the Lord is still the Keeper
of everything within me.
He is still ruler and pilot
still in control of who i become.

but that doesn't mean
that i'm any less human.

give me a break.
i don't feel well.
i just wanna cuddle up
to someone who thinks that
i'm just more than a pretty face.