you are the god who understands.

there are some things that nobody will ever understand.

and that's hard to come to terms with. to realize that my innermost thoughts and feelings may never be understood. i fear that criticism will become my sister, and frustration my brother. these are the things that make my heart keep beating, and yet, these are the things that nobody cares nor wants to know. because lately, everyone is talk talk talking about them and what they're going through and what they need and how much they hate this and how scared they are of that, and they never even stop to think that i'm hurting on the inside. it's not their fault, really, if you think about it. their dna kinda forces them to live in a world of self concern. which is fine...but i was made the same way, and yet nobody wants to listen.

and it should hurt me a lot. it should kill me on the inside. and sometimes it does. there are points that i wonder if all the pain is worth all the beauty that will come. i cry a lot more than i used to, but i'm stronger than i was. because now, when the tears come like a flood, i still cling to jesus' hand. and a lot of people think that i'm not. that i'm choosing to wallow in self-defeat and wander aimlessly for meaningless kisses from men and accolades from crowds. and although i fear that they may be right, just for the simple fact that i fear that people know me better than i do and that i'm blinded by a love for myself...i know that they're not, and that they don't know me like they think they do. they're judging me, and the plank is growing longer and longer and longer and i'm starting to wonder how they don't notice that it's there.

this isn't just a vent about how few people have been there for me though, this is an opportunity for me to realize that i can't expect the world to know. i can't expect them to decipher me, and not only is it selfish to expect it, but it's unrealistic. i have this bad habit of expecting people to love me, yet being unloveable. who wants to love someone that they have to pry open? if you had a jar of olives and a can of olives, which one would you pick? the easier one to get into. and that's how friendship is. (i know, silly analogy, but really) i can't expect people to drill me until i come out of my shell just far enough for them to know that i'm still alive.

and so this is the conclusion i come to.
there are just some things that nobody will ever understand.