i am well.

when i wake up in the mornings, i don't wanna roll over and hit "snooze" again.
when i praise, i don't wanna sit down cause i get tired.
when i sing, my voice doesn't feel like it's gonna explode out of my mouth.
when i go for a run...i don't have to stop because i can't breathe.
when i talk, i'm smiling a lot more than before.
when i walk, i walk with my head up...i have so much to live for.
when i think, i think about how thankful i am for God's provision and blessing in my life.
when i'm having fun, i don't have to go home because i don't feel well.

i am well.
i am very well.
and i may not be 100% yet...
but i will be.

and it's like i have this new hope, that life doesn't have to be this way.
for those of you who don't even know what i'm talking about, i will fill you in.
for the past....well, just about 2.5 years....i've been sick.
the doctors didn't know why i was constantly getting respiratory and ear and sinus infections that would literally stick me at home because i would have dizzy spells and cold sweats and exhaustion. i missed a lot of school because my body was just so...tired. so they thought i had the flu. then they thought it was mono. then it was pneumonia, then an enlarged heart, then enlarged lungs, and mostly they guessed it was chronic fatigue syndrome...they were just guessing, i presume. i don't blame them, nothing made sense. and so life went on like this for a time. and then they thought they had figured it out: anemia. it made sense, the flushing and the dizziness and the exhaustion and the susceptibility to illness. and taking the iron supplements solved things...

...for about a week.
so it was on to find another option or a cure.

and that's been my life for the past 2 years, it's been a really tough fight...one that i haven't openly spoken about, just for the fact that i didn't want pity, i didn't want to be treated differently, i just wanted to be as normal as i could. but it was hard to even get out of bed some mornings because i was exhausted, i was weak, and i was dizzy. it was hard to smile when everything in me just wanted to cry. sickness breaks you, it really does. it makes you feel...like you did something to deserve it. at least that's how i felt. and i felt so...hopeless. i gave up in a lot of ways. and everyone told me "you have to fight, you don't have to live like this, you just don't have faith, you just aren't praying hard enough, you don't believe it...you just have to recieve it and walk in your healing every single day." while all of this is true, that's the last thing i needed to hear. it made me feel like it was my fault that i wasn't healed, it made me feel condemned. and then came the revelation: a man was speaking at our service and was talking about how you can't deny that there's a problem, but you can choose to 1. admit there is something happening and then 2. shift your thinking. and that's what changed my entire life. and i've been doing that. everyday for about a month.

and i'm here to tell you that God heals.

i am well.
and i will never not be well again. :)

when i think about where i've been and where it's brought me,
i'm glad i've been there and i'm glad i've ended up here.