i have discovered an issue.

i have a problem with the men in my life.
and here i thought i was a step closer to being ready to date.

but i can't even trust that a male authority figure is out to help me and not to manipulate me for what they can get out of me. it's something that is long suppressed, and it traces back to my biological father. he was never there. and i didn't think that it was an issue anymore. but the heart of it is, there are two male figures in my life that have recently destroyed everything i had built up to healing. there were two men who had shown me that not all men were out to abandon and manipulate me. and soon after, they followed suit. there are only two men who have still not done this: my dad and grandfather. and i'm starting to wonder if chivalry is dead. is there really a guy out there who wants me for more than what i can give to him? is there a guy out there somewhere who wants what i have because of my heart and not my actions? and i don't even mean dating wise. i mean in general. there are men in my life that are extraordinary, men that are chock full of character, men that i know i can trust with my life. and i won't. they intimidate me, i'm scared of them, and i'm very silent and flushed around them. which isn't me.

and the issue is, i've been hurt, time and again, by men.
so for me to say that all guys are NOT the same...would require a guy to not be the same.

i'm working on it, i'm not saying it's their fault, but i'm mentioning that it is a very big factor in the reason that it all came crashing in again. i know that i shouldn't base my opinion of all men on the ones i encounter on a daily basis, i know i should have faith in men and trust that they are leading and protecting me. but i'm not there yet, and it's probably going to take a while.