lights will guide you home.

when i write, my mind is free. i have all these little vices trying to tell me to be perfect - to say the perfect thing, to know exactly what i think, to smile a certain way, to be this girl that everyone will love. but when i put myself behind a pen or a keyboard, my heart opens up and i bleed out the real me. i'm not your average girl, i just pretend like i am.

i'm relearning these things about myself that i assumed had been lost in the fray. those things that define the self that i can't admit to. it's not that i want to be false, it's that i've always been taught by society how to be the perfect child. but perfect children don't love the rain. and they don't write things that involve sex, or intimacy with god (song of solomon style). they don't write things that expose the core of who they are, and they sure as heck don't say things that make people blush. but i do. i dance in the rain. i have to write about sex, it's defined me...not in the way you think. it's caused me pain, but it's made me who i am today. god is my lover, my confidant, my intimate friend. i have to expose myself in order to protect you, and i only say what makes you blush to make you deal.

you see, there is beauty in the breakdown. i've known that for years. but now i'm starting to see my beauty through christ. i love when he just shows me who i am and loves me for it. i have a lot of shortcomings, but there's something about me that i will never let go of: that's love and passion. love is at the core of who i am. god's grace is the only reason i'm alive today, and how ironic that my name would bear that meaning. i don't even think about love, it just happens with me. and i have unadulterated passion. i love worship, so i live it. i love writing, so i live it. i love the bible, so i (try to) live it. and maybe that doesn't matter to you, but who i am is something that god himself stepped down from heaven and took the time to create.

so i guess what i'm trying to say is that right now, i'm not okay. i'm kinda in that process where god is taking me apart. and i know it's to reshape me, but that doesn't make it any less painful, and it doesn't make it any faster. but i know that what i've done, no matter who frowns upon it, is the right thing, and it's what god wants, and that's all that matters. his light is what will guide me to his heart.