i'm in love with a king who became a slave.

there's got to be something in this broken heart of mine that i can muster up the strength to spill out on paper. i mean, i'm falling apart in so many ways, and coming together in a million others. surely there is something i can say to make all this feel just a little better. and here it is: i want to be loved. i don't mean the dramatic, tween romance kind of love, that kind that gets little butterflies up in your tummy and makes you giggle at the thought. i want to be loved fiercely. i want to love someone with the grown up kind of love. you know, the kind that makes your stomach turn inside out and twists inside of you like a vine.

and i don't need this kind of love from a person. i don't need it from a man, i need it from god mostly. i need to know his touch, his heartbeat, i want the intimacy that comes from knowing god. i want to know and be known by him. there's something to be said of a woman that rejects the love of a man for the love of god's heart. and i'm not saying that because i did it, i'm saying that because that's my goal. i didn't want to do it, you see. and it still hurts a bit. okay, a lot. and i feel like my heart is going to explode.

but there's this god, up in heaven, that is looking down on me and trying to doodle out my future on the palm of his hand. and he needs me to do some things before he can get a vision for the rest of the sketch. so here i am, running around without a clue, and just doing the last thing that god told me to do, hoping that someday it's gonna work out. someday, though, this is all going to turn out to be a masterpiece, and god is going to write his name on my heart. and i'm going to be able to brag to everyone about this priceless treasure that god himself made just for me.

so there you go. i want to be loved violently, jealously. i want to know god, feel god, hear god.
touch god.
i want his heart to join with mine.