it's worse than a slap in the face. to be put on the bottom of the list.
let me explain. at the core of who i am, i am terrified that you'll walk away without saying goodbye and never come back. i'm so afraid that you don't want me and so you're just gonna give up and forget me. yeah, i know, it stems from the fact that my biological father abandoned my momma. i've come to terms with that. and i've really tried to mend it. i squeeze people so tight that they slip right out of my arms. i suffocate them dry. i don't wanna be that person, and so i work so hard at "playing it cool" when i don't get to talk to someone for weeks or when i can't remember the last time i saw them was. i try and rationalize it, but fear is irrational. and this is where i start to panic.
so when i haven't talked to someone that i'm interested in for 5 days, because they're super busy gearing up for the best summer of their life (obviously one i will not be a part of) and they seem to find more solace in the computer and hanging out with other friends than talking to me, i start to worry. i fear that it's over. that it was too good to be true. and it sends my insides into an utter panic. the one person i trusted can't have let me down like all the others.
but that's how i feel. like i've been slapped in the face with a priority list and i'm at the bottom.
i don't like the bottom :(
:::edit:::
...and i bet that's how God feels about me. Oh, Lord, forgive my selfish ambition. i know that you're more important than any of the things i prioritize above you (my talents, my loves, my relationships...) and i'm sure you loathe the bottom as much as i do, if not more. i'm so sorry. i'd make a promise to do better, but i'm so frail and human. i'll give you the best i can give and i hope that's much better than what i've been giving you, which is my scraps. :(
hello, my name is
- jessica ann-lynn.
- i am a violent, passionate lover of the One who made me. He is the Object of my affections and my desires. He has given me desires, to sing, write, play piano, and dance for His glory. He gave me the desire to read, to learn, to grow. my obsession with the rain makes sense to Him. the things that make up the core of who i am belong to Him. He is the most beautiful thing i could imagine. and He is the center of every single thing i do.
1 comment:
5 days is an eternity in not-hearing-from-a-guy-time. *sigh*
and one of my major insecurities is fixed now, but i think it only made things harder. i went from feeling like i wouldn't make a good wife because i couldn't promise kids to being not-as-datable because now i'm the girl with the kid. funny how those things work.
i hope you find someone who can't wait another hour to call you. because you are beautiful & amazing and any guy who can survive 5 days without you must be crazy.
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