when there's a million things to say, and yet nobody to speak them to, here i sit. words poised in front of a computer screen, hoping that my sentiments will unleash themselves and even, quite possibly, make sense to some wayward reader who stumbles upon this seemingly pointless thing we call a blog.
but this is my heart and soul i'm pouring out to you. and not for your amusement. this is for me to heal. i know there are a lot of little parts inside of me that are fighting and clawing their way to the surface for the battle of a lifetime. and i know that i'm probably not making sense to even myself, but i know for sure that someone's got a mission out on me.
my emotions have crumbled to the ground and i have found myself trying to mop myself up off of the floor. i'm weaker than i've ever been, and nothing has caused me to be this way. just yesterday, i broke down crying and yelled at a friend for absolutely no reason and probably got him absolutely confused. and i didn't understand why i was so broken. i couldn't figure out why i was so panicked.
until today. there are two reasons: i always feel something changing before it happens. i'll be absolutely depressed for no reason whatsoever and then days later, after i'm completely over it, someone will mention something pertaining to that emotion and i can tell them exactly how they were feeling, because i felt their pain.
i know i was feeling quite a few people's pain yesterday. i didn't realize it at the time, of course, and i tried to diagnose my problem on something else, but there was just no way i could do it. so many things in my life are going awry right now. and my heart and soul are buckled down in Christ, but for some reason, when someone else's life is spiraling out of control, i can't keep my composure.
and also, the enemy has it out for me. i've been getting stronger in my hunger to know God and His word. i've been growing in my ability and even my desire to help others. i'm living a life holy and pleasing unto Him. i've had peace that passed all understanding. i've been trying my best to live a joyful life. i haven't led worship in a month. i've only sang one song in that time frame as a performance. and i'm loving the secret places i find with Christ, those sacred moments that nobody will ever know. chuppah experiences.
and satan doesn't like it one bit. so what is he gonna do? throw the fiery darts at me and try to bring me down. and it almost worked. but i recognize it for what it is and i am going to fight back with every fiber of my being. i will break out of the mold. i will not suffer from depression like the majority of my family. i will not allow myself to fall into the pattern of self-pity and self-preservation. i will be a different kind of woman. i will carry on the legacy that my family has carried through the ages, and yet i will improve it.
*sigh* i feel a lot better now.
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