i am finding newness in me.

i'm refreshed today. not that it's going to last as long as i'd like for it to, it never seems to stay with me long. i'm always tired, always thinking, often troubled and seldom still. there's lots of things i seriously must consider. things that affect my future, things that affect my past, things that affect my very existence in this day right now. i have to think about these things in order to come to conclusions and to move on with my life.

but i'm tired of thinking. i'm tired of feeling like as soon as i top a mountain, i fall to my near death into a valley below. i'm tired of telling people i'm okay when i'm not. i know God is faithful, and i'm not lying when i say that, but when that's all i can say, can't you see i'm fighting? can't you see the pain in my eyes, the tears behind my voice? can you even see me? have you even ever known me?

i hate when people pity themselves. when people make life the agressor and themselves the victim. i do. i absolutely hate it. and here i am, obligated to be the victim. because it's not my fault, it isn't. i'm seeing that now. i'm not responsible for others' choices that affect me. if it's my fault, then it's my fault if my friends walk away from me because of choices THEY made. it doesn't make sense. but to say that means to say that i was the victim. and how can i hate who i am? am i even a victim? or is there a difference between actually BEING a victim and CHOOSING to be a victim?

yeah. i know, refreshed and i'm saying all of this? if you only knew how it is when i've got a lot on my mind. :)