from the inside out.

have you ever jumped off of a divingboard into the deep end of a pool, and tried to touch the bottom? and then once you do, you fight and claw your way to the surface, and then you hit the top, breaking through the water and gasping for air.

that's how i feel right now.

all my issues coming to the surface. god is trying to remold me and reshape me. and it's not fun. it all hits the surface and i come exploding out with tears. i feel like my heart is inside out and i can't do anything to stop it from happening. all these idiosyncracies spilling out from my insides. i really have changed, i have changed so much. i'm growing and stretching and flexing, and i'm crying IT'S PAINFUL! but i'm doing it, aren't i? can't you see that i'm really doing the best i can? it may not show immediately on the outside, but it will someday and you'll start to see the me that you decided to deny. you think i want these things, you think i expect this to happen, when really, all i want is christ and him crucified. you'll see the changes someday (not speaking to anyone in particular, mind you.).

and so this is where i'm at. when i talk to god, he is so gentle with me because i'm more fragile than china right now. but then he sends people into my life that chip away at the ugly and the little flecks of porcelain that don't belong. and here comes a crack or two, but god fixes them right up and it looks better than before. i just have to remember that god is bringing these people into my life for a reason and that he's really looking out for me. he's out for my best. and i'm going to learn to trust him, even if it kills me.